1. Why has no one responded to my last post?

    Posted by Queenbee at Sun Sep 02, 2012 9:22 pm

    :( On August the 18th I posted a plea for help entitled "what do we do now" under Hints and Tips. No one has come forth with any comments hints or tips which is very disappointing as the situation we are in is becoming untennable.
    My sister and I are carers for our 74 year old mum. We have both come to the end of our tether and are finding it really difficult to carry on.
    Our mum is the most stubborn, selfish, inconsiderate, schemeing, manipulative person you have ever come across. All our lives we have been ruled by her aptitude that everything had to be done her way or its the highway. She has a very victorian aptitude that children should be seen and not heard and really does not appreciate anything we do for her. Not that we want a medal or gratification, but it would be nice if she said thank you occaisonally instead of her usual comment " I never asked you too"

    Our mum has started to become very adept at pretending to take her oral medicines. She hides them in her hand and then shoves them down the side of her chair. pretends she has taken them and then throws them in the bin. etc. (this is medication for her unmanaged diabetes condition which she has had for 40 years) Because she lives in a semi drugged state of high blood sugars, it is making it neigh on impossible to care for her.

    Now she is refusing to do her washing up and instead of doing her washing up, she either eats from dirty plates or has now started using the Best China that has always been locked away in the cupboard and never used because she said she did not want it broken or spoilt. My poor sister has been trying for two weeks to get her do it, and discovered that when whe thought mum had actually done it, she hadnt, she had piled it into the dishwasher and left it there. (we had to decommission the dishwasher as she was filling it up, not putting it on and using dirty plates to eat from. then we'd turn it on and get it all washed and shed refuse to empty it, taking clean plates out one at a time and putting dirty plates back in with clean plates and then not putting it on to wash)
    My sister had a go at mum for loading the dishwasher with dirty crockery and leaving it and refused to wash it up for mum. The situation then turned into a battle of the wills between my sister and my mum. Neither would do the washing up and it piled up and got smelly and some of the plates had mould on them. I came up last week to take her to hospital smelled the stink in mums kitchen and found a huge pile of washing in the sink. Did that and put it all away then discovered the huge pile of washing up in the de commissioned dishwasher.
    There must have been at least two weeks worth of crockery in the dishwasher that was going mouldy. I took the lot out and washed it up with hot water and bleach! then proceeded to pack away most of the crockery and left mum with 2 plates, 2 cups, two knives, two forks etc. in the hope that she would only use what she needed and that if she did not have access to loads of crockery she could not acrue so much dirty washing up. How wrong could I be. Today my sister found that mother had been eating off the cats bowl and that it still had catfood dried and incrusted round it!!!!
    Mum does not have dementia, Alzehimers or mild cognative impairment, We have been told by the doctors that there is nothing medically or mentally wrong with her and she has not physical disabilities. She has just decided that she does not see why she should have to tidy up after herself when she has my sister and her husband going in every day. Her aptitude is at my age, they should be doing it for me!

  2. Re: Why has no one responded to my last post?

    Posted by swissmiss at Sun Sep 02, 2012 11:09 pm

    One reason noone has replied is because you posted in hints and tips whilst this seems to be a care issue and not everyone reads that section I think. I havent replied because I was going through two simultaneous crises with my mother who has severe Dementia and my son who has severe Autism.
    Having read your two posts today you obviously are very angry and at the end of your tether. You are not alone in having a terrible relationship with your mother. I have had counselling in the past over mine and learned to see it has her problem, not mine. It meant I stopped loving her because she hurt me for too long. Now she has severe Dementia and there is only me left to care. I do care because she is vulnerable.The love is hard. I dont care my self at home because I have two Autistic sons and I had a lovely man who suffered with his mental health and who jumped from a bridge in 2007 resulting in him being paraplegic and then took his own life in 2010. My father passed away 6 months before and Mum had to move into a care home. Another story but we have just had to find a new home, thankfully much nicer, due to safeguarding concerns.
    If you feel you cant go on caring for your Mum then dont? Speak with her GP and get a referral to Social Services? In the mean time I guess it is up to you whether you carry on doing her washing up. There will be people who can care for her because they are trained and not emotionally involved.
    Have you had any counselling? It might help you express your feelings and find a way of dealing with them. You probably cannot change your Mum but you can change how you feel. I have found that I can understand some of why my Mum is who she is. She has her own issues which she brings to the table. I struggle to forgive her because I have been effectively deprived of a mothers love and it has been tough. It isnt easy finding how to relate to a severely Autistic child but I have and I love him and he knows it and he loves me..so she could have found a way of doing the same for me. We are not all born equal. My late husband had his own mental and emotional issues which meant he left me too soon. I forgive him totally because he coudlnt help it. They werent diagnosed as he resisted that. Perhaps our Mums cant help it either...I dont know. I do know that since losing my father and husband and discovering spiritualism, my Mum comes through in spirit too [when they have Dementia they spend part of their time in the spirit world is the theory] and is very loving. So I think perhaps it is our earthly minds and bodies and the life experiences we go through which affect who we are but that deep down our souls do feel love???
    Its up to you what you decide. It will however serve neither you nor her if you carry on as you are I think.
    Hope at least it helps to have another viewpoint.
    Karen :)

  3. Re: Why has no one responded to my last post?

    Posted by Queenbee at Tue Sep 04, 2012 9:27 pm

    Thanks Karen, Swissmiss. I am a great beleiver in the power of other peoples points of view. especially when that person has enough to deal with without taking precious time out to advise angry people like me. Your reply was very grounding and gave me a kick up the posterior. I have to remind myself that no matter how hard and difficult life can be, somewhere, someone out there has to deal with a lot worse than I.

    No I have'nt had councilling. to be honest I am too scared to go for something like that because it took me a long time to squish all my anger, fears and frustrations in to my pandoras box and I am afraid to let it all out again. Some times mother has the ability to prize the lid off that box and some of it gets out and I have a moan and think oh woe is me but your reply to my small problem made me realise how lucky I am that our problem is small and solveable without too much interruption, its just a case of changing the way we view mother and how we care for her.

    Thank you Karen, I am sorry you have so much to cope with and really appreciate that you took the time to give me some very sound advice. I wish you all the very best for the future.

  4. Re: Why has no one responded to my last post?

    Posted by swissmiss at Wed Sep 05, 2012 11:37 pm

    Sometimes the pain and anger and guilt cloud your mind and stop you seeing the wood from the trees! It's normal. x :-)

  5. Re: Why has no one responded to my last post?

    Posted by Flowerpower at Mon Sep 10, 2012 3:40 pm

    Sorry you didn't get much response to your post Queenbee (apart from SwissMiss who always comes up trumps!).

    This board is DEAD sometimes. I've posted stuff and hardly had a response. Tis a bit disheartening.

  6. Re: Why has no one responded to my last post?

    Posted by webquest at Mon Sep 10, 2012 3:56 pm

    Really sorry you didn't get many replies Queenbee. Speaking for myself I am new and I only come on here about once a week.

    However, I have read your post. Its sounds like your Mum really has put you all through the hoops.

    It sounds like you have tried many things, and had so much patience. Have you tried "Tough Love"? I don't mean you have to stop helping or caring. But to perhaps look like your not going to help and let it be known to her that you all have problems too and that you can't be there 24/7.

    I know I sound hard, but sometimes if all else fails drastic measures need to be taken. Does she see anyone in "Mental Health"?

    Best wishes


  7. Re: Why has no one responded to my last post?

    Posted by swissmiss at Thu Sep 13, 2012 8:34 pm

    How's it going Queenbee??? :)
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