You must tell them you need emergency respite. The problem can be that you both get past coping and the situation escalates. You sound at your wits end which is no surprise and it is not time to make important decisions about the future. tell them you are exhausted and you must have respite. When you are recovered then think about the future. There was a time this year when I could ahve given Ali up to their care for good. Now I am so glad he is with me. However tonight he looked at me so angelically with his big dark eyes [his Dad's eyes] and I was filled with an overwhelming sense of his vulnerability and concern for how he will live if I am ill or worse which I know means that I have to find some better solution.
Please tell me about your Mum. Suicide is so much more common than you realise but families have a tendency to feel ashamed which they shouldnt.It hurts, you cant help but feel rejected or guilt but it is an irrational decision taken when they arent feeling and thinking properly. I had a beautiful reading today. First Mum came as she does due to her Dementia which means we have communication we cannot have face to face, then Dad pushed in past Neil and then Neil. She commented that Neil was a pragmatist and I couldnt help but say that perhaps deciding to take your own life is a pragmatic decision! It is at the time you make it but the moment its done sadly as Neil realised it was the wrong one.
Try an get some sleep. What are you going to do tomorrow?
Take care Ena