When I reach crisis in caring for my youngest severely Autistic 20 year old son...as a single Mum now with no family other than his older brother who has Aspergers and my Mum [who it has to be said always walked the other way anyway when there was a crisis or even help needed with basic care] who now has severest Dementia and who lives in a residential home nearby.... I simply have no choice other than to shout as no one listens until i reach the point of being unable to go on.
So now this week he is in emergency residential respite. I see him every day. Yesterday I gave him a haircut and a bath. Today I brought him home to meet with my nutritionist to try and work out a homeopathic and nutritional programme to help him.He is calm and relaxed...almost...I cannot understand why he gets so worked up and hits himself. He smells of toxic washing powder they wash his clothes in...we use Ecover so perhaps thats what washing powder smells like normally but I can hardly breathe near him. Tomorrow morning I am picking him up to go to see the Psychiatrist who has done nothing to help in 12 months...neither of us wants to go but we have to one more time at least to see if they can motivate themselves to care. Then I am having my counselling session and then a blood test for my thyroid and Vit D levels so my nutritionist can help me.
I am shattered. 3 months on my own on a beach on a private island might set me right...but I doubt it. There comes a point of no return I think when you have adapted to caring this intensively for 20 or more years.
Friday morning his SW and the manager of the adult LD team are visiting to see if they can finally put together a manageable package. All last week I kept on at him after months of semi neglect by the SW. I hope it pays off as I am dreading going back to the way we were when he comes out of respite on Monday.
I find this world tedious, frustrating and lonely. I love my boys beyond measure and miss my darling husband similarly.
On a hopeful note I went to a spiritual evening last night with my eldest son...our favourite medium Jeanie was the medium. She is brilliant...she has the ability to bring through anyone you ask for and anyone who is asking to and she knows my late darling husband better than his own family I think! Anyway she asked us to write down a name of someone we would like to contact so I put down my great great grandmother's daughter...born 1851 who was the first intriguing ancestor we researched in family history. We had found quite a lot of interesting facts about her but this was amazing...Jeanie told us what her personality was like, she played the piano, she was raised [we knew] by a well off couple as she was born in the workhouse but later reunited with her mother! Anyway she told us that my eldest would get married and I will be a grandmother...something which I hardly dared hope for. He is gorgeous, blonde, smiling, caring and gentle...but I feared that his Aspergers would prevent him doing this. I really hope he finds someone lovely one day.
Karen x :)