Saying Hi!
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By shark3r
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Thu 29 May 2008 13:11
Just a post to introduce myself
I was caring for my wheelchair dependant wife for the last 20 yrs when she passed away 3 wks ago, she had numeous serious health problems, such as polyarthritis, type 1 diabetes, coronary heart disease, a foot wound that was ready for amputation, blind in one eye, tinnitus, kidney disease and had a lot of pain. I'm comforted that she is now not suffering but find myself really lonely and at a loose end without having anything to do except loads of DSS forms & legal stuff.
I still have one 16 yr old daugther at home & she has been great, I cant work because I have a spinal problem but still I am affected by some of the issues that caring has caused. I am profoundly deaf & relied on my late wife to handle day to day matters as I can't use a phone, it has been so stressful to try & pick up the pieces and sort my life out.
At the moment I have no idea how much benefits I will have coming in, but am trying to claim Incapacity benefit, income support, child benefit, council tax benefit, bereavement benefit and I think I can claim child tax credit, God knows how long all this will take :( I seem to spent all my time doing forms at the moment, everything was set up in her name because of my communication difficulties and it's a nightmare trying to sort it out.
I feel so depressed right now as we had such a close marriage and I was caring for her from 1 year after we got married, even so I occasionally blamed her for controlling my life when I couldn't leave her alone, A year ago I went out with the dogs & came home 2 hrs later to find her in a diabetic coma, I had to give CPR and managed to bring her back, even so it took the paramedics 40 mins to stabilise her, this was a devastating moment for me and took some time to get over it. This was repeated 3 wks ago when she took her fatal heart attack, once again I got her back after giving mouth to mouth & CPR, she sat up and said "I'm ok, I dont need an ambulance" then she just went in peace a few seconds after that. It was sort of ok because she had no fear or pain & didnt know what was happening, but I can't help but feel that I didnt do enough to save her.
I feel pretty insecure now and lost my best years caring, I had quit my job to care for her and now find myself unable to work and facing an uncertain future, I am trying to get on with things and keep busy but it's not easy to find things to do, I started smoking again after her death which I haven't done in 10 yrs, sometimes i just feel that it's not worth continuing and would rather end my life, the only thing that stops me is my girls who love & need me.
It's a hard, lonely and emotional life being a carer, we are the forgotten people in this country, our friends gradually dissapeared over the years as they couldn't cope with being around us and we couldnt go to days/nights out etc to maintain contact, as such I have no friends outside the immediate family any more. it's going to be along road to get back to "normality" if I can even remember what normal is!
I apologise for such a depressing post, but I just had to unload some stuff
Replies
- By thistle
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Re: Saying Hi!
Thu 29 May 2008 15:40It's always worth carrying on - for your kids if not for your self. The claim forms will be processed quite quickly - (I've just done similar forms for my mum as my dad died a few weeks ago) and you won't always feel quite so lost. You have dogs to walk (so do I - 13!) so it's a good excuse for going out each day - and dogs are great 'friend' magnets - hey I like you already just knowing you have dogs too!
give yourself time to mourn, but give yourself time to look forward too, with pride that you were a great carer to your wife, with joy that you have a lovely daughter still living with you, and with hope that when the pain is less raw and new that you will find pleasure in the days. Never be afraid to cry, and never be afraid to laugh, it's early days for you yet, but you will get there. x Thistle
- By doug
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Re: Saying Hi!
Thu 29 May 2008 15:45hi shark welcome mate
no need to apologize i think at some point we all feel like that
im sorry for your loss it must be very difficult for you i know a little bit how you feel when i nearly lost my wife in 2003 she was in hospital for the year and i was told to make arrangments with the undertaker and i didnt know how to handle it i felt a lot like you did angry with her because shes going to leave me angry at my self could i have done anything different i almost took my own life but managed to pull my self back most of the time i went around like a zombie how i got through it it sounds silly i know but my cats needed me they helped me we have no family as such the cats were our family like you socalled family and friends just
dissapeard and now we are on our own thankfully she pulled through but its still the same still nobody comes near us so i know a little bit what you are going through keep the chin up mate 
- By EL
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Re: Saying Hi!
Thu 29 May 2008 18:40hiya pet, so sorry for your loss
listen you and Dougy dont need friends like your former ones, if they are so shallow they would have let you down in another way eventually, i too have lost my friends but who bloody cares they will need me before i need them, even some family members have slung there hook, stuff em 
to be honest the people you will meet on here will be your new friends and ones that won't let you down or expect anything from you other than a pair of ears to listen, a shoulder to lean on, and maybe the odd bit of advice. Dont bottle up your hurt, spit it all out on here and in the chat room 
we all feel desperate and consider ending it all from time to time we wouldn't be human if the stresses and strains of caring didn't get to us, your allowed to feel desperate but you must share your burden and feelings with others otherwise you will go under your kids need you i understand that but you still have a lot of life left in you and you have a lot to catch up on one day at a time you cant do more than that until your ready final thought are you claiming the right benefit? have you queried if you should be claiming DLA ?
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By shark3r
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Re: Saying Hi!
Thu 29 May 2008 19:20Hi all, many thanks for the support, cheered me up to see that ppl do care and that my guilt feelings are something that is also felt by others. I am fighting on at the moment and am about to apply for DLA, just can't find the energy to do that long form, I will probably wait till I have a decision on the incapacity benefit.
- By thistle
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Re: Saying Hi!
Thu 29 May 2008 20:30Our local welfare rights officer helped us no end with filling in the DLA form - he told us what to put, how to phrase it, etc cos we were turned down twice. It's worth pursuing though, cos now my husband gets the highest rate care and mobility component, which entitles him to a motability vehicle - and a new car every 3 years, with no tax or insurance worries is a great bonus. Your district council or social services will be able to give you the name and number for your local welfare rights office.
- By kerry.
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Re: Saying Hi!
Thu 29 May 2008 22:25Hi Shark
Just wanted to say welcome to this site, and my heart goes out to you.
Perhaps you may find a local group near you for carers (includes ex carers!)- they may put you in touch with others in similar positions. Have you tried your local hearing impaired group?Anyway, stick with it mate, your kids have lost their mum too dont forget; they dont wanna be losing you too!
God bless you.
- By loopy
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Re: Saying Hi!
Fri 30 May 2008 21:34welcome shark,
this site is great because it helps you to see that other people have problems too. It also gives you a lift sometimes because there are alot of good humoured people here.
Come into the chat room on a friday night. There are usually lots of people there who will have you crying tears of laughter !!!
- By loopy
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Re: Saying Hi!
Fri 30 May 2008 21:36i agree with EL. Its natural to feel despair at times. God knows i feel it most times!!!
- By Juliann
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Re: Saying Hi!
Sat 31 May 2008 22:21welcome shark, sorry to hear of your loss, i'm quite new to this site, but it is so nice to hear other peoples problems that are the same as your own, and having a laugh, even at your self, the chat rooms good, i'm always a sentac behind the conversation, but no one seems to mind, keep your chin up, there are people out here rooting for you. i
- By EL
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Re: Saying Hi!
Sun 1 Jun 2008 19:32loopy im in despair now
Adam has been, in a word unbearable this week. He has pushed the boundaries to the limit, im at my wits end with him, if i could put on my coat........ it was an accident, but he punched his dad in the face full on, full strengh then started to pack his bags(huh if only lol) cause i had a go at him for being too rough. Honestly ive had so many palpitations this week as well as a panic attack, i thought things would get better now hes in a new school but his being a little bitch lately, im never giving up the fags! or the chocolate! no scrap the last one im starting a low sat fat diet tomorrow as my cholesteral is over 6 again 
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