Looking after my dad
- By Orange
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Tue 7 Nov 2006 09:35
I have only used this service once before and was very grateful for the replies I received. Today is a bad day, I look after my dad, well actually he lives with me, he has COPD and is on home oxygen for 16 hours a day. This I can cope with I work full time and am responsible for all his care. Due to his detrioriation he is able to do very little. I make his lunch before I leave home for work, give him his breakfast do what ever else and I come to work. I then go home and start all over again. My brother will do nothing (unless he needs money!) My sister thinks she does something when in fact all she does is pop in between jobs (she's a carer; ironic really isn't it). He is becoming increasingly difficult and I do understand because he's scared (my mother died from the same complaint 2 1/2 years ago). Anyway he was very very poorly this Sunday I had to call an ambulance, but when they turned up not only did he sit on the loo for 1/2 hour (they were great and wouldn't go until they had seen him) but he refused point blank to go to hospital when it was clear that he needed to. I feel that he is putting me under a lot of pressure I don't want the responsibility of having him at home when he should be getting expert help I feel that it's emotional blackmail. I've always since a child been intimitated by my dad and it's still the same (I'm in my 40's). What can I do he wont have carers in or meals on wheels (to give me a break) he wont go to day centres or respite and I'm coming to the end of my tether. He defends the other 2 who do nothing and I'm getting all the flak. I'm tired fed up and I don't think I want to do this any more. I feel very guilty for feeling like this but shouldn't he take some responsibility and see that I'm knackered and maybe think to himself that this may be getting too much for me. Sorry to moan but I'm feeling desperate and sometimes I don't even want to go home. I spend evenings in my bedroom watching t.v. as he sits in the living room and won't watch what I want to watch. He's quite a domernearing person and I'm having a very bad day. Thankyou for listening
Replies
- By welshie
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Re: Looking after my dad
Tue 7 Nov 2006 09:55hi Orange
I don't know anything about COPD but felt i had to write in understanding of how you feel, 4years ago while being carer of my youngest child i was also caring for my mum who'd had a stroke and my mum-in-law who has a number of complaints. I too felt exhausted there was a number of family either side that could of helped, but why would they when all the care was being provided.my sancturary was my bedroom where i often felt alone and isolated.when i could i'd spend hours hiding from my home just to get away from those living there. I'm afraid nothing changed until i reached breaking point and i changed it then i ntheroy others step in.Well in my case mum died and a care package has been put in place for my mum-in-law which has helped me enormously.
hope you make some changes and things improve
all the best
- By Orange
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Re: Looking after my dad
Tue 7 Nov 2006 13:36Dear Welshie,
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I feel like my bedroom is my prison not my sanctuary, I actually want to sit in my living room and resent the fact that I can't. Maybe today is so bad because I feel so very tired, weepy and utterly helpless. I love my dad but I'm tired of 'caring' and I to say I can't do this any more then the emotional blackmail and verbal bullying starts. I could never impose my self on any one like he has and I never will. I'm looking foprward to my care home days.. you know playing bingo, day trips to Margate. It's a while off yet so I guess I'll just grin and bear it until I maybe have a breakdown or suffer from exhaustion. Just for your information COPD is a lung condition like emphysema gradually your lungs cant cope, and pneumonia is a condition of that.
- By mag
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Re: Looking after my dad
Tue 7 Nov 2006 14:20Dear Orange
I'm glad you have come here to share your experience. Unfortunately your brother and sister are not that unusual in their attitudes - quite happy to leave you to continue carrying full responsibility while they "visit".Have you talked to your GP - he/she could maybe get it through to them that they have a responsibility not only for their father but also to you. Your doctor could also impress on your dad the importance of co-operating to help you to maintain your health so you can continue caring for him!!!
Sorry no brilliant ideas or easy quick solutions. Do keep in touch. Kind regards - Mag
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By Roland
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Re: Looking after my dad
Tue 7 Nov 2006 17:39I hate to have to say this Orange but shame on your sister especially as she is a carer and should know what you are going through. As for your brother,well, he should be sat down and told a few home truths.I know you dont want to be domineering but you need to look after no1 otherwise you are going to be no good to anybodyYou do need to keep nagging unfortunately as in this day and age,its the only way.Keep your chin up and dont let anybody grind you down
- By welshie
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Re: Looking after my dad
Tue 7 Nov 2006 21:11thought it was but wasn't sure orange thank you for that.
Roland is right you do need to look after yourself Iknow it's incredibly hard but tell your brother and sister let them know you need help with there father.
I know what you mean by prison my room was more that than anything else i often sat there feeling total despair and very lonely. Here if you ever want to chat take care xx
- By Orange
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Re: Looking after my dad
Wed 8 Nov 2006 09:45Dear Mag, Roland & Welshie,
Thank you, thank you, thank you, for taking the time to reply to me. Yesterday was a very very bad day and unfortunately didn't get any better when I got home. I decided to go for a walk for an hour then came home and sob for an hour (hence very swollen eye's this morning - murder when your trying to put mascarra on!) I think half my trouble is that I'm quite placid and easy going (more fool me) my brother is not even worth talkking about I now feel that when something happens to my dad I know that I have done everything humanly possible for him my brother and sister will have to live with their own concenious. I have also decided to ring Social Services to see how this can help, it's going to make him very very angry but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it because I can't go on like this. I have a daughter (16) and he's getting her to do when I'm not there she; quite rightly so feels resentful and I don't want her to have that responsibility. Thank you again for listening it's nice to know that I can sound off now and then without my brother and sister thinking here she goes again!
- By welshie
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Re: Looking after my dad
Wed 8 Nov 2006 19:00Hello Again
I'm quite and placid too so unstand completely and know exactly what you mean about your brother and sister dosen't lessen the load for you though. Do ring and see what help you can get anything to make yours and your daughters life easier. take care Rachel x
- By elle
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Re: Looking after my dad
Thu 9 Nov 2006 16:37hi orange i care for my husband who has copd and have been doing for the last 10 years 3 years ago he also became very difficult and was ultimately diagnosed with depression hes been on anti-depressants for the last 3 years and yes is probably addicted but hes a different person these days talk to his gp or consultant depression is very common in people with copd hope this helps some
- By Shldvds
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Re: Looking after my dad
Thu 9 Nov 2006 19:50Hi Orange, So sorry to hear that you are having such a diccicult time with your Father ,and lack of help from family. This appears to be quite a common problem within families although that doesn't make it any easier for you.
Like you my bedrooom literally became my prison cell within the prison(my home). It was the only place I could escape to and be on my own for a while and it was from there that I escaped to talk to my friends in the chat room here. Without them and the support they gave I don't know where I would have been. IT would be good if you could join us in the chat room some night - usually from about 7-30 on. We will listen if you need to let off steam, help if we can, and nobody will judge you in any way. WE also have a lot of laughs.
Regarding your daughter there is also a Young Carers chat room on this site although it's not open all the time. It is moderated so that the young carers are safe whilst there. NIck would be able to advise of times when it is open.
As for your situation please get in touch with GP and Social Services and see what help they can provide. You can also ask for a carers assessment to see what can be done to meet your needs.
Meantime try to take things one day at a time because once you look at the bigger picture it can be overwhelming. You can survive this and, if we can help in any way we will, it will not last forever and as you say you will know you have done your best.
Take care and good luck. Lots of love, Sheila. XXXXX
- By Gloria
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Re: Looking after my dad
Wed 15 Nov 2006 17:33Hi Orange, I'm new to the site. I'm a single woman aged 55 and I care for my 88-year-old mother.
Speaking from experience, if you're looking after a parent and your childhood relationship was difficult or even abusive, it adds another layer to the level of stress and guilt. You keep being reminded of past events, and as your parent becomes more dependent horrible thoughts of revenge can come welling up almost like nausea. It can stop you making painful but necessary decisions by throwing your motives into question. And if fear was a factor in the past, it probably still is now.
Sometimes I try to deal with it by pretending I'm a nurse looking after a patient rather than my own mother. It doesn't solve the underlying problem, but it can work as an emergency coping strategy when I really, really don't want to do it any more.
I wonder if there's any help available for you and me (and many others, I'm sure) to deal with this stuff from the past? Can we turn a dire situation into an opportunity? Not only might it make the caring situation a little bit easier, but when this phase in our lives is over, it won't still be there to scupper our chances of embracing life to the full.
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