Don't become a carer
- By Nemo
-
Thu 11 Oct 2007 23:04
After taking care of my mother for the past 17 years that awful day came when she finally passed away. Since then I have been trying to arrange her funeral the best I can and sort out everything else that needs attention.
Amongst all this I learnt for certain today that since her home is owned by a housing association (the local council handed all its housing stock to a housing association it had set up), I will not be able to stay here. Although I have been here continually whilst taking care of my mother I need to demonstrate that I have been living here for the past twelve months and if I can't do this I will be homeless. Even if I can show I have been living in this house for that length of time the end result will be that I am removed from the property and made to live in whatever one bedroomed property they decide on my behalf is suitable.
Already I am feeling the financial squeeze of being in the no man's land of no longer being a carer or registered for available for work, and I know that soon the employment service will be intensifying the pressure on me along with the housing association.The funeral is the beginning of next week and I can't even afford to buy a suit to wear that day.
I always knew I would be going from a difficult situation to an even worse one, but when the circumstances become reality nothing can prepare you for it. Now I am facing a very near future of either being homeless or living in accomodation no one would choose for themselves, whilst at the age of 45 having pressure applied to me to find employment without any recent work experience or work references. Even if I do find work I know it will inevitably be a low paid, dead end job that will allow me nothing more than to live from hand to mouth. This is the best outlook I can imagine for myself. It just seems to me that being a carer damages people's lives and no one could care less. I include both the PRT and Carers UK in this since during my time as a carer neither organisation made any effort at all to have an impact on the quality of my life as a carer. Now, as an ex-carer it seems I have to face up to having no future, no worthwhile life at all.
The implicit message I recieved from all directions whilst I was caring for my mother, and most starkly now as a recent ex-carer is that no one should become a carer in the first instance, We are living in a society that is heartless, greedy and snearingly selfish. The only way not to have your life destroyed simply because you found yourself in a caring role is to adopt the same f**k you attitude as the rest of society by leaving your loved ones to suffer and rot away, and just think of yourself. Those of us who have not done that, when our caring duties are fulfilled the best we can expect is to spend the rest of our lives living with the consequences of investing years in the care of someone else.
My advice now to anyone who is about to become a carer will always be don't become a carer in the first instance. Do as everyone else does and think of yourself because no one else will no matter what nice cooing noises they make in your direction. In the final analysis all the advice that is thrown towards carers about how to cope and what to do when your caring duties end etc etc etc is just a pile of crap. It exists simply so certain individuals can tell themselves they have discharged their duties and so allow themselves to sleep at night. Just don't become a carer if its at all avoidable. You will live with the consequences of being a carer for the rest of your life, and that life will be demeaned to nothing more than a social problem.
Replies
-
By wildthing
-
Re: Don't become a carer
Thu 11 Oct 2007 23:46well I would have thought the simple way to prove you have been there the last 12 months would be the electoral register. then there is the right to secession our next door neighbour needed one bedroom and are living in sheltered accomadation that has three bedrooms they lied to get the place saying another family member lived with them. As a carer you shoud be used to fighting for everything so there is no reason to give up fighting now.
- By Nemo
-
Re: Don't become a carer
Fri 12 Oct 2007 00:07Thanks for your considered opinion. If someone is dishonest about such things it is inevitable they will be caught out sooner or later and that will make matters worse. Fighting is good but if you read the message boards here and elsewhere you would have learnt that there is only so far that will get you. If that wasn't the case all issues carers face could be resolved but very few in reality are. Thanks anyway.
- By westener1
-
Re: Don't become a carer
Fri 12 Oct 2007 02:49hi nemo please don't lose heart i was in your position when i lost my husband 3yrs ago,it was a big worry some people said i'd be ok they will let me keep the house etc it was the not knowing,all kinds of things ran through my head,where would they put me,it was awful, but i did keep the house, all i can say to you is take it a day at a time speak to your gp,with regards a sick paper,just to give you chance to sort things out a bit, and do things at your pace not the systems, have you thought of approaching the charity shelter they will help sort housing out for you. hope this is of some comfort to you
- By Tricia
-
Re: Don't become a carer
Fri 12 Oct 2007 03:19First of all may I offer my condolances on your recent loss.
I have heard many carers going through similar experiences when faced in the situation which your now facing.
This highlights even more the need for carers to have a transition package put into place to help and support them when they are faced in losing their caring role. The PRCT support carers for two years after their caring comes to an end. As for benefits for a carer you are able to claim your CA and Income support should you be on these benefits for two months after the death of the caree. However, should the caree be still alive and leave your care you loose these benefits over night and are expected to look for work the following day. Many carers need to go onto the sick to be allowed time to adjust which is an unfair system; not everyone has a sympathetic GP who will support a carer through this transition from being a carer to becoming an ex carer.
I am dreading the day should my son ever decide to leave home as my life has revolved around his needs since the day he was born. Whereas his siblings have become independant over the years my youngest son has not and I will be completely lost should that day arrive.
I keep trying to put a transition process in place for myself but I just don't have the energy at the moment to be able to do such a thing for myself. What chance do I have should I face your situation and my world has come crashing down.
However, saying all that I have been through some bad times and have always had a motto at the back of my mind which gives me strength. Everything happens for a reason. When I say this to anyone going through a bad patch I can see it written all over their faces they just want to punch me............. but over a period of time they do come back to me and say you were right. The saying one door closes another one opens. That chapter of your life has naturally come to an end another chatper is about to begin. Only you hold the pen to write that one but would be nice if we carers had more support to help us on our way
- By Shldvds
-
Re: Don't become a carer
Fri 12 Oct 2007 07:08Hi Nemo, So sorry to hear of the death of your mother and your current circumstances. Regarding the house issue. My mother tried to get the council to agree to me having her house after she died. Because of their rules this was not possible because I hadn't lived with her for the required time. If I could have proved I had, through letters, bills etc., addressed to me at her address I would have been allowed to take over the rental. However I did manage to survive for about a month by staying with 2 of my sons and luckily a friend who had a garage ( empty) stored the furniture for me. I actually got a nice house although may not have chosen the location, but it was fine.
It is a bleak time and will be difficult for you to see the way ahead right now but gradually that "fog" will begin to lift and you will be able to move on.
Regarding possible work - there are many skills you will have developed as a carer, such as organisational skills, time management and many others too numerous to mention. All of these are of use to employers and you should be proud of them and mention them when asked to fill in a CV/job application.
You probably do feel very much alone right now but be assured there are many others in similar situations.
Take care of yourself. Hope you manage to get things sorted out and to come through this time.
By the way I am sure your mother would not mind if you didn't wear a suit to her funeral as I am sure she would understand your financial difficulties. And well done you for the many years of loving care you gave her.
Shelia.
- By westener1
-
Re: Don't become a carer
Fri 12 Oct 2007 10:23hi nemo i forgot to add, as for wearing a suit i agree with sheila, when my husband passed away style of dress was optional,i believe being there is more important,if your mum didn't know you as a suit wearer don't wear one so long as you look clean and tidy,people came to als funeral dressed as cowboys'n' indians, american civil war soldiers, hells angels,the vicar said he'd never seen anything like it in his life,funerals are a celebration of life,although our hearts and emotion tell us different, my condolences to you and take care x
-
By wildthing
-
Re: Don't become a carer
Fri 12 Oct 2007 13:06this may help
- By lana
-
Re: Don't become a carer
Mon 29 Oct 2007 20:49Dear Nemo
I am so sorry for your loss.
I can understand how you feel , the anger and disillusion with life and society in general. You are grieving and angry now and it will take time to overcome all that. I wish you all the best, something will be put right for you soon. Keep strong and fighting, you have rights, Lana
- By im_in_chains
-
Re: Don't become a carer
Thu 28 Feb 2008 18:15I didn't have much of a choice as to whether I became a carer or not.
When my son was a baby he almost died and is now severely disabled.
There was no 'choice' in the matter.
As for future choices. I have informed my parents that I will not be able to care for them in their old age because I'll still have my son to care for, who'll be an adult by then. Mum didn't take it too well, I got a suicide threat, guilt trips by way of negative comparisons and telling me how she and her sister cared for their parents (which was nowhere near the level of care my son needs). I think she was trying to change my mind but it won't happen.
If it comes to my parents needing care, they're going to have to look to my brothers if they don't want outside help. Mum doesn't like this idea because 'they're male'. Well, that's tough. It's them or outside help.
Who in their right mind would put pressure on their only daughter to care for them if she already has a severely disabled child to care for?
- By kerry
-
Re: Don't become a carer
Thu 28 Feb 2008 21:27phew, you go for it- im in chains- well bloody said mate!
OMG they make me fume- what is it about that extra dangly bit between the legs that apparently renders (most not all) men as incapable incompetent idiots?
My fella is a house husband/ft carer while im at uni. im also the FT carer but obviously hes here more than me and more hands on with the boys at the moment (well i did it alone for years now its his turn lol)
he is just as capable as clearing up poo, cleaning, hoovering, washing blah blah blah as me or any other women.(and this from a guy who swore to me he would never ever change the babies nappies when i was pregnant with them!!!!! Oh how times change eh!)
Previous discussion: Benefits (5 replies)
Next discussion: Rules in house/rules out? (16 replies)