Husband with ME

Replies

By tray30

Re: Husband with ME
Sun 6 Jul 2008 10:28

hi sorry to hear but im in the same way my partner had a stroke in march and wow its changed him he carnt do anything because he is paralized i do every thing for him and he doesnt appreciate it ,iv got two children and carnt go out all we do now is argue it got that bad that i phoned social services and asked them to move him out which im still waiting it comes to a point when u have to think about yourself and children,men are just selfish,

By doug

Re: Husband with ME
Sun 6 Jul 2008 18:37

hi never
im sorry the way things are going for you. you dont say how long your husband has been ill the way you are talking
you blame your husband for being ill that is natural but its not
his fault he is you have to realize that yes you havnt much of a life but you can still go to work your lucky you can some of us cant i never blamed my wife for her illness its not her fault
as for falling out of love with him are you sure? and its not the pressure of trying to manage work and everything else
its to easy to say you dont love a person we could all walk
away but we dont not because we have to me personaly?
im still in love with my wife i love and respect her very much
i would never think what you are thinking but thats me
have you tried to get help? as for you tray im a little bit annoyed with you about men NOT ALL MEN ARE SELFISH just as not all women are maybe you have had bad
expirience with them i dont know those of us who look after
our loved ones try just as hard as you to take care of them
there is good men out there aswell

By tray30

Re: Husband with ME
Mon 7 Jul 2008 01:53

sorry doug i didnt mean to upset anyone its just how i am feeling at the moment im so upset about everything

By doug

Re: Husband with ME
Mon 7 Jul 2008 08:35

ok tray
understand hope everything gets better xxxxxxxxxx

By Greebo

Re: Husband with ME
Mon 7 Jul 2008 11:01

Welcome to the forum neverenough, but sorry that you qualify to be here.

At least your husband's talking to you - it's a start. As soon as you can, I suggest you get some debt counselling (go to the CAB and if they don't do it, they'll know who can). It might be worth also doing the Alvin Hall thing of thinking hard about why you really buy those "teatime treats" - are you really only trying to make your family happy, or are you trying to cheer yourself up by buying things for them because you know you're skint and shouldn't be treating yourself?

Meanwhile, make sure the credit cards are somewhere you can't easily get at them to use them - frozen into a marge tub of water at the bottom of the freezer can make you wait long enough to put off all but the most urgently needed things.

I suggest the two of you also book some sessions with Relate. If it doesn't save your marriage, it'll at least help you part on friendly terms, and give future relationships a better chance of working out. I'm not saying who's right or wrong or selfish, but there is a high rate of divorce and relationship breakdown where at least one person has ME. It's the sort of illness where if you can't be supportive (or don't want to be) you do more harm than good by staying.

Did your husband already have ME before you had children? If he did, did you discuss what life was going to be like with children?

My husband has had ME for over 10 years, and we decided not to have children unless he got a lot better. This was based on the fact that even the sound of next door's babies interrupted his sleep enough to make him relapse badly for 3 years. That choice hurt at the time, and it continues to hurt, but it was that or risk the situation you're in now, where the relationship is being pulled apart by all the pressure and most of the work falling on the shoulders of the partner who's well.

I suggest both you and your husband join the forum at foggy friends.org (google it) - it's for people with ME as well as people related to or living with people with ME.

I hope things work out for you, your husband, and your children.

By Husband Of Depression Sufferer

Re: Husband with ME
Mon 7 Jul 2008 11:28

Hi neverenough

As you may have read on my post,I feel the same way.
I get lots of different advice about what is the right thing to do & yes leaving has been on my mind often.

I just know deep down in my guts I couldnt do it but I crave the relationship that everyone seems to have.

I've concluded that there is no answer and no-one really wins so you just have to make do and try to get as much out of each day and grab every bit of joy & happiness even if its only in front of you for a millisecond.

That probably doesnt help but I'm here if you ever want to chat.

The webmaster will give you me private email address or you can ask him to give me yours if you ever want to chat offline.

Look after yourself
Rob
x

By neverenough

Re: Husband with ME
Mon 7 Jul 2008 20:44

Thank you everyone for your comments. Things certainly do't seem to be getting any better, but I am still feeling strong, so I know my CBT has been working.

A bit more info - my husband was diagnosed with ME nearly 6 years ago, 5 weeks before our wedding, which was before we had the kids, but we were in denial for a long time. He has never been one of the really bad sufferers and been bedbound for more than a day or so, We naively didn't really discuss the impact of children on his ME.

I am confident our financial position can be bought under control as long as I am strong with this too, and I have made a good start.

I just have this overriding sense that he wants me to suffer too, to see what his life is like - when I was ill one day, and had to resort to bed, I get comments like 'That's how I feel every day, and just get on with it'. He now wants to move to another part of the country, or another country all together, he thinks this will improve our quality of life, but I think we will just take all our problems with us, and I will end up isolated away from family & friends. I know he feels isolated, it is really sad to see a man who was once the life & soul of the party shy away from answering the telephone, and I have tried gently encouraging him to join support groups (if foggy friends is the one I think it is, he knows the girl who set it up!) or even take part in a gentle unrelated activity to meet people & get out of the house, but he can't or won't do it.

My head is about to explode with all the thinking I am doing, I'd love a snapshot of life in 6 months time, like that film, Sliding Doors.

Thanks for all your support, and sending hugs.

By Greebo

Re: Husband with ME
Mon 7 Jul 2008 22:27

BTW is your husband getting DLA and are you getting Working Family Tax Credits? The extra cash can make the difference between bare existence and living.

Maybe join that forum yourself then. It's not a morbid pity party for swapping symptoms (you can do that if you really want to, but not many do), it's for socialising over the net without having to explain in every post that "my husband hasn't got the energy for ....... except on a v good day."

It can provide space for you to ask others your husband "How do I do this?" It can give a chance for you to ask how you can help him to help himself.

Carers are welcomed there, in their own subforum as well as all the other threads. I go there now and then but was running out of things to say, so left it alone for a bit.

From those comments he made when you were v unwell, I suspect that your husband believes that you don't get quite how bad he feels. When you get the time, maybe calmly (yes, it really has to be calmly) ask what he'd like you to do to show that you do get it?

It's a fluctuating illness, and what you sometimes see as defeatism or apathy might be him trying to save his energy so that he doesn't relapse even further. Even a short and sedate activity may be too much by the time you allow for the energy needed to get there and back. A short car journey (even if he's not driving) can be so painful or exhausting that there's not much energy left to do anything else.

It might help if you can find something that's do-able now with limited energy etc, but ties in with the person he is deep down. It's tricky, but it can be done.

IMHO not much point using up the tiny bit of energy only on the dull stuff. Money's tight, but is there any way you could pay a cleaner to blitz the place once a month, or get somebody to do the shopping so that you've both got enough energy to live a bit more as parents and partners? Maybe find a babysitting circle? Local volunteers?

As for the moving away/emigrating, maybe try a self-catering holiday (no hotels, it needs to be as bad as where you'd end up living), in a place he'd consider moving to, pref at the worst time of year.

I know it's hard for both of you, but emotional upset or stress is v bad for ME, so you need to make sure any discussions are as calm as possible.

By lucyjad

Re: Husband with ME
Tue 8 Jul 2008 10:23

Hi,
I have suffered from ME for 15 years. I am sure your husband doesn't mean to be cruel to you. It can be very difficult when you perpetually feel like you have run a marathon and finding the right way to say things is in itself exhausting.
As for his reaction to the financial situation, I think men in particular find it difficult when they are unable to be the provider, perhaps he feels that the debt problems are due to his inability to work and by having a go at you it is at least some involvement on his part in the family finances.

The comment that you made about your husband saying 'that is how I feel everyday' I am afraid I have said myself on occasion. When I say it it is because I feel like my OH lacks empathy and expects me to be able to get on with things all of the time, yet when he is ill he takes to bed. Perhaps your husband feels that you do not understand how he is feeling. Have you read about M.E. sufferer accounts might give you a greater understanding.

I hope that you and your husband can reach an understanding. Working together is limitlessly more helpful than working against eachother.

Best wishes,
Lucy