Discussion Boards I care for...
parkinsons and alchoholism and a bit of dementia
- By tea
-
Tue 6 May 2008 14:57
I just wanted to write this down. I am helping my mum care for my dad who has all the above and more. He has had Parkinsons for 20 years now. He is not really drinking but we still have to hide alchohol from him and his one whisky a day is the pleasure of his life. My mum meanwhile is drinking more and more owing to the strain.
More and more I feel I am being groomed to take over caring for him from my mum. I am forty and her words to me were "you're the unmarried jobless one, what can you do for us?"
The thing is they live abroad and I live in the UK. Part of the reason I have no job now is that my succesful freelance business has slowly been eroded by constantly going over and spending a month or three at a time caring. THis has gone on for years, increasingly. I have recently tried to keep it to a week or two at a time but my mum always ends up saying she cant cope so i end up staying for much longer, as there is no job to go back to. I finally had to leave my last house as I could not afford it and have kind of given up and am now sofa surfing in the UK and just waiting for the next caring bit which starts in June.
My parents live in a large house but my mum refuses to give me any space of my own, even a shed in the garden, so it is always disorientating. And I spend all of my time with my mother, who seems to need a companion more than my father needs help, so there is no privacy or time to do anything of my own. My last relationship broke up early partly because of this strain of being broke and effectively homeless. My mum doesn't seem to think this matters. I feel I am getting old and am sometimes losing all my hopes for a future of my own because this has taken over. I also feel there is no reason to be living and looking after my father like my mum does; they are both prisoners in their home now. But if I say right, when I come I will do the caring for three days and you have time off she refuses. Instead it is both of us constantly running after my father who is bored out of his skull without drinking and therefore acting crazy.
My sister (married, job) says I am perpetuating a bad situation by thinking I am helping, and this is what happens to children of alchoholics, but I love my parents, and I haven't been able to say no, and still can't. I have tried everything to get my dad out and interested in things but he won't. I have tried to get my mum to give him more freedom and resonsibility (he could do his own washing for example) but she wont.
I don't know what to do! But writing all this down has made me think about it, so thankyou.
Replies
- By Tricia
-
Re: parkinsons and alchoholism and a bit of dementia
Tue 6 May 2008 15:53Hello
It can sometimes just help a little bit just to get it off your chest. I use to care for my parents and because I was already caring for my son who has a disability along with my other two children as a single parent my family too expected me to take on the caring role for our parents.
My circumstances were slightly different as they are never two sets of circumstances ever the same but yet similar in many ways.
I often use to feel sufficated when my father died and I became my mother's main carers as she needed contstant compaion too. I found doing voluntary work helped me to get away from my caring role even though it was in the caring sector where I did my voluntary work it did give me an outside interest which I allowed no one to interfear with.
As you have stated you had a feelance business but never mentioned what area of work it was in. Are you able to look for work working for someone else where you can rely upon a regular income and then you have to stick to only your holidays where you can go and visit your parents.
No one should be made to feel that they have to look after their parents when there are other members in the family share the responsiblity of caring for parents. No excuse having their own family or their own career they were allowed to make a choice and that also gives you the gateway to allow your choice too.
Yes we all love our parents but when there are other siblings they need to pull their weight too.
Do they ever visit your parents durring their holiday from work?
Anyway as I said it can just help to get it off your chest. Also if you are able to access a computer in the evenings there is a chat room where other carers pop in and out through out the evening. This usually starts at 7.30 pm but some evenings it may be less quiet than others due to every one of us in there are carers and it depends upon our caring role if we are able to get in.
Take care and hope to see you in the room soon
- By tea
-
Re: parkinsons and alchoholism and a bit of dementia
Tue 6 May 2008 20:15Tricia, I am so grateful for you pointing out that I have a choice. It does sound, from re-reading that splurge, that I am surrounding myself with chains of confusion, and some self pity, since my solution to what, for me is a bit of an ongoing crisis isn't being accepted. Still, I need to accept this. I did realise that, but guess I was feeling a little disempowered and helpless when I wrote, which makes it harder. Btw my sister has absolutely pulled her emotional weight (but has not been able to do as much time wise). Also she brilliantly has the kind of job which allows her time off in between, and I haven't been able to find that job (yet!) she is now joyfully pregnant , and can't help on the ground, but she had choices and so do I. And so does my mum. Thanks again.
- By tea
-
Re: parkinsons and alchoholism and a bit of dementia
Tue 6 May 2008 20:39PS I meant to say "my lovely mum" because she is!
Discussion Boards I care for...
Previous discussion: Dementia (4 replies)
Next discussion: labour party (3 replies)