Hi all, new here...I have a question.

By Tigrrrlily

Sat 12 May 2007 09:39

Hi everyone... I'm new here and I have a question about the current situation.

My mother is in her late 70s, widowed and currently in sheltered accomodation where she's been for the last 7 or 8 years (I think?). Last year she started becoming more confused and having falls. She was pretty mobile up till then. Diagnosis is possible Parkinsonism, possible TIAs at some point but nobody's sure when.

She was in rehab for a while after a fall shortly after Christmas. An assessment was done and she now has local authority carers coming in three times a day to help her wash, get meals, take her meds etc. She gets allowances to pay for this (I'm not sure which ones) because she's never had much in the way of savings and never owned a house.

Now...my brother and his wife live just up the road from her. I live at a distance - about a 3 hour drive away. We visit every few weeks.

The thing is, my mother has always been a very controlling, critical person, which is the main reason I don't live near her. We've never had a mother-daughter relationship in the usual sense, because her idea of a 'relationship' is that I should do everything she says down to the tiniest detail. I've suffered from depression over the years, and I strongly suspect this may have been a factor.

Several times in the past few years, even before she had the falls, she's told me and my husband how 'nice' it would be if we moved back down there to look after her. She is totally unconcerned about how this would affect our jobs, finances and everything else. (I'm also not absolutely convinced she wants my husband to be there, but that may just be me being paranoid.) She was talking about this when she was in rehab, but thankfully my brother was at the assessment meetings (I couldn't make it down there) and explained the situation to Social Services in my absence. (He, by the way,
is insistent that if she's going to have full-time care, no family member should be expected to give up their lives to provide it. I thoroughly agree.)

Thing is, what would be our situation if she were to turn round at any point and say she didn't want the paid carers any more? (She already tried to cancel the evening carer, without telling anyone, on the grounds that she could get herself to bed anyway...then she had another fall and they reinstated the service.)

Can she actually, legally refuse to be looked after by anyone but her daughter? Would I have a right to refuse to do that, bearing in mind my circumstances? It'd put my mind hugely at rest if anyone can give me any information on this...