Ray's story: moving my life forward

Ray cared for his wife Mary, who suffered from multiple sclerosis, until her death earlier this year. Here he tell us about their life together and how he is coming to terms with his loss.

Mary and I were 'matched' by our work colleagues and after an slow start our relationship gathered pace and we married on 6 July 1974.

It was in 1978 that Mary started her battle with MS at only 28. I was given the diagnosis first and what a shock it was; I then had the task of telling Mary. She took it well as it gave an answer to her symptoms and allowed us to go forward. With treatment she was back on her feet after five months.

Over the next few years she had two more relapses, but was unable to recover from the third one and was medically retired from work. As Mary’s condition deteriorated we moved to a bungalow and had various adaptations built, including a purpose-built rear extension and alterations to the front entrance.

We thought about children and though physically it would have been fine, it was the emotional and psychological issues that worried Mary and unfortunately it never happened. However we lived a normal married life, holidaying, visiting friends and socialising.

Even though I was her sole carer, Mary’s wish was for me to stay in full time employment and this I did until I took early retirement from BT in 2000. They were very supportive; a model employer. I then became self-employed as a computer consultant.

I was introduced to Sutton Carers Centre during the 1980s and they were, and continue to be, very supportive and helpful. In return, I volunteered my computer services and currently provide training for carers in the use of computers and the internet at an introductory level.

In the 90s with Mary now confined to a wheelchair, we started our down under adventures, visiting Australia several times. On our first trip, Mary was able to meet up with her Queensland pen friend whom she had been writing to since the early 80s.

Then in 2005 I was diagnosed with prostate cancer and underwent a radical prostatectomy and radiotherapy. This was not totally successful and I needed hormone therapy, which is to continue until 2009. My PSA count is currently immeasurable and I feel fine.

However, it took me away from my sole caring role and we had to rely on others for the first time. Whilst I was recovering, Mary had her first battle with pressure sores requiring some 6 months of bed rest. She recovered from this and things seemed to be going well. We started to visit friends again, including some we had not seen for years. When I look back at this period I can see that we virtually saw all the people involved in our lives - a sort of closure.

In May this year, Mary started a second pressure sore battle but this time she was extremely unhappy at being stuck in bed again and become very down. On 31 May she was rushed to hospital with very low blood pressure. She died peacefully from a heart attack due to a coronary arterial thrombosis, brought on by the lack of mobility due to the MS.

During her last few hours I was asked what I wanted done if Mary’s heart stopped and fortunately had the answer due to our previous discussions. However, the heartbreaking emotions that went through me when asked to go through the door where Mary was lying I shall never forget; they were almost unbearable.

Since her death, I still think a lot about her: the things we did, the laughs we had and our wonderful life together. However, one thing she did say to me was "mourn for when I have gone, but don’t make it your life’s work" and in that spirit I am moving my life forward.

I have started travelling again and went on a railway holiday in Switzerland which I loved so much that I've applied to be considered as a tour manager with the company. Next year, who knows. As one major door in my life has now shut others are opening - or I am pushing them open.