Dealing with guilt

Replies

By Beth

Re: Dealing with guilt
Thu 13 Mar 2008 23:59

Hi Make it better,

I care for my dad alone, no family members visit him and he refuses to allow Social Services in the house, so it is just me alone caring for him.
My dad has heart problems too and can be very confused and very changable. I sometimes think there are about 10 dads in the house because he is different each time I see him and I find it difficult because I dont know which dad is going to be at home each time I go in.
I doubt if your mum will be carted off anywhere so dont worry about that. I always think things are easier to deal with when you know what is going on. Let the mental health team see your mum and make their assessment but if she is like my dad she will be as good as gold on the day they arrive!
l hope that you will be able to arrange for someone to pop in and see your mum when you are at work. Good luck with that. I have been caring alone for 6 years now and for 15 years in total. Since I became a totally alone carer I have only had one break for a week. I had asked Social Services for help previous to going away and got nothing so for the week I was away I wrote to Social Services and told them I would be away from this date to that date and that my dad was their responsibility during that time. They did not even phone him to check he was OK! During my break I had a couple of telephone calls from my dad which worried me but as I have a daughter now aged 17 years I felt that I needed the break from caring and my daughter whose life has been spent involved with caring also needed a break.
You have to have time away and you have to have peace of mind. Keep trying with Social Work and ask them for a Carers Assessment.
I hope it all goes well for you
Beth

By make it better

Re: Dealing with guilt
Fri 14 Mar 2008 00:30

Hi Beth

Thank you for your response l have been reviewing the info on this site and found it to be very informatative.

l will wait for the mental health team to contact us and see what they advise so hopefully they may be able to either point me in the right direction or offer some advice /support and who knows l may be able to have a night out soon as these are the worst times for mum thanks again fingers crossed !!

By Tricia

Re: Dealing with guilt
Fri 14 Mar 2008 06:49

Hello Make it better

If you have a carers centre locally ask them if they have a mental health support worker and if your not already registard with them get registard and if you already are tell them you need to a review of your circumstances.

If you don't inform them they won't be able to help that is what I tell unidentifed carers when I first meet them because they always seem to expect everyone to be mind readers and know automaically what every one wants. Every one's needs are different that is why a carers assessment is such an important tool (social services are the ones to contact to have a carers assessment carried out) But there is also the route of your carers centre to carry out much needed services too so don't be shy ask about.

Before anyone jumps in about the comment I have made about unidentified carers I am fully aware a lot of carers don't realise they are carers to start wtih and I do agree there is a huge lack of information out there in the normal day to day living world. But there is a lot more awareness of carers today than ever before.

By EL

Re: Dealing with guilt
Sat 12 Apr 2008 11:11

Hi Make it better, what the doctor failed to tell you is that the mental health team are the only people qualified to assess your mothers confusion so to know what diagnosis she will need. She will not be carted off so dont worry yourself any more about that one. The mental health team have to eliminate certain diagnosis to get the proper one for your mum as some symptoms do mimic others. They will also decide what medication (if any) is right for her, and the meds she is offered would have been tried and tested for her particular diagnosis, also any outside help she qualifies for. You can pay for home help yourself, but with a referal any necessary outside help will be available on the nhs for her. Take care your doing your best which is all anyone can do. xxx

By lizzie_T

Re: Dealing with guilt
Sat 12 Apr 2008 20:14

Hi! I am surprised the GP did not get the team in when first diagnosed. I have learned that they never ''cart anyone away'' unless they have a house and a pension they can use to pay for it. So if you are like the rest of us, you don't have to worry! Social Services will not take anyone into a home who has a rented house/flat and low income, because the rent and Council tax come out of the District Council Budget and Nursing home fees come out of theirs - that is why they rarely put a couple in a home together if one is able to stay in their rented abode. If on the other hand your mother does have property, you should, while the doctor is still saying she is not bad enough for them to bother about, get enduring powers of Attorney - from Oct 2007 you need two - one for health and one for finance and they have to be registered now. That is why we did one ten years ago - and why the doctors at the hospital told me if I did not agree they would starve poor George to death and blame me!! You can download the forms if you have a printer, fill them in, have them witnessed and apply for registration. It is better to do it while she is ''in between''. Once the Mental Health team come in it will be one of the things taken out of your hands and you will have to apply to the court. However if she has no property or investments or savings you just need one for the health and so long as your doctor has done nothing it may be wise to make that move. Then YOU can use YOUR MOTHER'S SAVINGS to employ someone locally to look in. Social Services meals on wheels consist of a frozen meal and desert costing a min of £3.00 subsidised. They take 17 mins to heat up in the microwave. The cost of a Social Services Domiciliary worker for 15 mins is at least £8 - in 2004: one hour was £16, half an hour £12 and fifteen minutes £8. It is probably much higher now. I worked out that the elderly person is paying a min of £11 a day for one lousy frozen meal and more at weekends. The frozen meals at the Grocers are less than £1.50, not too bad and someone local could go in and warm it up for her and make sure she is OK. Years ago before I got sick I was friends with an old lady who lived near the office in this town where I worked then. In my lunch hour I used to go to her house, she would lay the table with bread and cheese or something, and I would help her eat it, put her for her nap after lunch, wash the two plates, give her a hottie if she wanted and go back to the office. It helped both of us. That was 1985/6 before I married George. Perhaps you know someone like that.

By big moma

Re: Dealing with guilt
Sat 12 Apr 2008 20:14

you did the right thing for yourself and your mum. as a carer it seems that the guilt is part of caring.I've been trying not to feel guilty for years looking after first mum and now dad lives with us.Why we feel guilty is anyones buisiness.don't know wether its the antidepressants but its better at the moment.