elderly mother

Replies

By Pysie

Re: elderly mother
Fri 16 Nov 2007 14:52

Hi, Julia,

I sympathise with you.

My situation is almost identical. I live with 85 year old Mum who sounds exactly the same as your Mum. She can't be bothered to do anything, won't go out or talk to anyone on the phone, and she expects me to do everything for her and to spend all my time with her. In fairness, she can't walk without a frame now and can't do much around the house. But don't I feel guilty if I go out for dinner and Mum insists on boiling an egg!!!

I believe Mum's attitude to life is caused by depression and a sense of insecurity. After all, she is elderly, ill and slightly incontinent. She must feel a lack of dignity and is frightened about the future. She can't do what she was once able to do. Most of her closest friends have died, her world has changed and she lives on memories. I don't think she means to be selfish, but she is a different generation and expects me to fit in with her life-style.

But understanding the problems doesn't make life any easier for the carer. And living with someone who is constantly depressed makes everyone else depressed.

Have you asked your local Social Services for a carer's assessment? Or for an assessment for your Mum?

You are entitled to time for yourself. If Mum won't go to a day centre, perhaps she would accept a visitor to the house? Someone nearer her own age who could chat with her and reminisce about the old times, or play cards, or take her out for a drive? And if you need longer respite, it should be possible for Social Srvices to arrange a package of care, either in a respite home or in your own home. They will be able to advise you about your entitlement and the local carers groups who might help and support you.

I do hope you find some way of spending time alone with your husband. Keep in touch.

Pysie

By julia

Re: elderly mother
Fri 16 Nov 2007 19:55

Hi Pysie
Thank you so much for replying. It means so much to know someone else is in the same situation. The trouble with my mum is that she is very stubborn and if she doesn't want to do anything she won't. So to get the Social Services in for a carer's assessment would be difficult. But I will have to do something in the New Year as it isn't fair on my husband. I have joined the Woman and Home Magazine forum and meet up with several ladies who live in West Sussex for a meal once a month and also go walking every so often so I suppose I am lucky to be able to do that. I just leave mum a boil in the bag dinner. She is always sarcastic though when I come back saying "oh you have come home then".
regards Julia

By Pysie

Re: elderly mother
Fri 16 Nov 2007 20:30

Yep, my Mum is stubborn, too!

She flatly refused to apply for Attendance Allowance until I was forced to give up work entirely to look after her. She said the thought of applying made her 'feel old'. All very well, but it meant I could not apply for Carers Allowance and I had to cope on part-time earnings of £70 per week.

Mum can't walk but refuses to use a wheelchair. She moans about everything she watches on TV. She moans about all her friends. She moans about my ex-husband visiting and about most things I do. (But then she says she doesn't know what she'd do without me!) She can't cope alone but refuses to go into respite or have any other carers in the bungalow apart from me, so I have not been able to have even a long weekend away since 1995. I love her dearly, but I really have to bite my tongue for fear of upsetting her.

Julia - you are entitled to a carer's assessment regardless of whether your Mum agrees or not. If the thought of it will upset her, ask for a meeting with a social worker away from home. At least you will be able to talk through your problems and, hopefully, find some kind of support.

It has taken me ten years to realise there comes a point where a carer has to think about his/her own health and sanity. It doesn't mean abandoning or betraying Mum. It means getting someone else to sail beside you and support you. Hopefully, that someone might be able to persude your Mum tactfully that you have your own needs.

Having said that, I applied for my carer's assessment on 7th September.They lost the paperwoork and then various departments started blaming each other for the delay. In spite of constant phone calls, I'm still waiting.

Pysie xxx

By julia

Re: elderly mother
Sat 17 Nov 2007 12:08

Oh Pysie, how your life sounds just like mine. My mum refused a wheelchair and also moans about everything. I take her tea and toast up in the morning at 9 and then she comes downstairs at 10.30 makes a coffee and has a packet of crisps.
She has her dinner at 12 and then it is off to the lounge for a rest on the sofa until 3. She has the tv on so loud so I shut the door and my husband and I sit in the conservatory. To keep her occupied she does a jigsaw once she has woken up and then has her tea at 5 and off to bed at 5.30 to watch tv up there. She turns the light off at 9 or sometimes earlier and that is her life. I have tried taking her out in the car but she just doesn't seem interested even though we live by the sea. She eats a lot of sweets so with lack of exercise she has put on a lot of weight which is a strain on her legs otherwise I think she would be able to walk easier. She has a worn away vertebrae so a continuing niggly pain in her back and also sciatica down one leg but she hates taking pain killers.
So I know it is not nice to have a constant pain but I think if she did a bit more or met others of her own age she wouldn't think about it so much. She only likes Corrie on the tv and not sure if she really knows what is going on. Used to like the Bill but says that is all about the police Ha! Think I will look into this carers assessment as I am only on a pension and savings from working several years. My husband only has a small private pension as he isn't pensionable age yet and cannot find a job but fortunately we have always saved.
I have a son living at home thank goodness as he keeps me sane. He cannot afford to move out as unless you have someone to help out with the mortgage it is impossible for the youngsters today. Don't know where you live but it would have been great if you lived near me and we could have had a coffee and moaned together. I don't know what would happen to my mum if I went before her as I know my husband wouldn't want her living here.
I know what you mean about biting your tongue as I am the same. Did upset her the other day when I said something so she cried. They go back to their baby stage. It is like roll reversal now.
Juliaxxx

By parsley

Re: elderly mother
Sun 18 Nov 2007 18:03

I know just how you feel. I am looking after my 80yr old mum, who is diabled and also suffers with panic attacks. She hates it if I am out of the room and comes looking for me. She can walk with sticks or a zimmer frame. I feel so down at times, because I am with her 24/7, I even live with her now, as she couldn't cope on her own. Just like Julia's mum mine won't go to a day centre. I feel so trapped

By julia

Re: elderly mother
Sun 18 Nov 2007 20:26

Hi Parsley, Your life sounds a lot worse than mine as my mum sits in the lounge on her own and cannot be bothered to come looking for me. I do manage to get out for a few hours sometimes and leave her a quick instant dinner mid-day when I do. She can manage to shuffle along and uses a stick if I take her over the park but she just cannot be bothered now she is living with me. She does go and have her hair permed every four months. My husband drops her at the hairdressers, but I have to go too to take her in. It is so nice to have the place to ourselves for a few hours. Seems so selfish I know but I just don't feel the lounge is ours. If I am doing something like baking or ironing I don't feel so guilty that I am not sitting in with her. I know there is no fun in getting old as she is always saying but I hope I shall learn from experience not to be a nuisance to my sons.
I shall definitely join in with anything that is going in my old age.