Discussion Boards Hints and tips Life after Caring

Life after Caring

By manda

Sun 22 Apr 2007 07:35

Hi all.

This has probably been asked many times, but I am lost, my beloved foster-father died yesterday morning. for those who know me I have cared for him for 4 years and my foster mother 2 years before that. after she died I took on her roll, making sure he had his washing done, meals etc, he was devistated at loosing his wife of some 57 years, never cooked a meal in his life, could not even fry an egg, some may say shamefull, but thats the way they were, a truly lovely lovely couple, and fostered me from 9months old.

He soon became ill, frail etc etc and to be honest should have been in a home for the last couple of years and more recently a hospice, but I always promised him he could die at home as that was his wish. I do not know how I have had the strength to do it but I did. trying not to neglect my own family, but my marriage is all but over now. But I kept my promise to him, which was my personal choice. but at a cost, and he died in his chair, I was holding his hand, just as we both wanted.

So this is where I need some advice, yes it only yesterday he died, but I can see no future, and have had many hours too think what my life will be like when he,s gone, friends are very thin on the ground because every momemt I could I was with him, I am writing this knowing that usually I would be driving over to his house by 7.30am popping back and forth until 10.30pm after night sitter arrived. I am phobic with agoraphobia which adds to my problem, so please do not suggest take a nice holiday, I need it but can't.

I can get to certain places (limited) how am I going to fill this massive void.

Any suggestions most welcolm

Thanks

Manda

Replies

By CHERYL THE PERIL

Re: Life after Caring
Sun 22 Apr 2007 11:17

Hi Manda
Very sorry to hear that your foster dad has died.
I'm sure you will miss him a great deal.
Especially as so much of your time was arranged around looking after him.

The only thing to do really is just take one day at a time. Naturally you will be at a loss as to what to do with yourself, but gradually other commitments will replace the time you spent with him.
Thinking of you at this sad time.
Love Cheryl xxx

By Pysie

Re: Life after Caring
Sun 22 Apr 2007 11:26

Oh, Manda, I'm so, so sorry. You are someone very special, and I am sure your foster-father is now resting in peace in the knowledge that you loved him very much.

It's really too early to be thinking about your long-term future. You need time to grieve and to re-adjust and, no doubt there will all sorts of practical arrangements to be made.

At this sad time in their lives, some people just want to be left alone and others want to talk non-stop. I am sure there are many people in your comminity who would listen and hold your hand, so to speak, over the coming weeks. Your local church minister or your GP will know of some. And, of course, you will find support in the chat-room.

Also, it could be worth your while contacting Cruse. They are a charitable organisation set up specifically to support people who have been bereaved and they have many volunteers nationwide, all of whom have experienced bereavement themselves, who can support you at this time and advise you on the best way forward. It is likely someone will be able to visit you at home. You can find your local group on:

www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk

No doubt the next few months will be a difficult time for you as memories flood back and you try to come to terms with a big hole in your life. But there WILL come a time when you will be able to look forward and plan a future.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, and I am sure you are surrounded by the love and hugs of all fellow carers. Do keep in touch.

Love,
Pysie xxx

By mag

Re: Life after Caring
Sun 22 Apr 2007 15:00

Dear Manda

I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your foster father. It is obvious from all of your posts that you loved him so much but more importantly, he knew this too. I hope that you can take comfort in knowing that you could not have done more for him, and all with such a kindly devotion.

Give yourself time to grieve and to cope day by day. Let us know how you are getting on - keep in touch.

Love and hugs - Mag

By ginger31: Re: Life after Caring
Sun 22 Apr 2007 17:27
Dear manda,
I'm so sorry for your loss & the death of your foster father, I know that he was very special to you and a huge part of your life & you will miss him. it is very early days and I'm sure you have practical things to do that will keep you busy but you must take care of yourself too & you will learn to cope day by day.
I wish you all the love and strength to come through and send you love and hugs at this sad time, please still come on to rant etc when needs be.
Take care
love Louise xxx

By wolfman

Re: Life after Caring
Sun 22 Apr 2007 18:19

Dear Manda

My thoughts are with you.

As always, Pysie's advice is spot on.

Take care.

By Marge: Re: Life after Caring
Sun 22 Apr 2007 21:52
manda
so sorry for your loss. Much good advice on here already so I wont add, except to say be gentle with yourself & only look ahead one day at a time xx

By keshsor

Re: Life after Caring
Thu 13 Dec 2007 10:43

Hi Manda

It looks same old story and sound too that way. I am wondering same thing and i am in sailing on same boat and you got there first. I only could say is this: You have to live your life by some how and look for future and get up and go i know it is too easy to say because i have to do exactly that once i get to the sea shore. "Good luck and look for the Future"

By angelica

Re: Life after Caring
Thu 13 Dec 2007 12:24

Hi Manda

When I was 20 my dad died. A few months later I started having panic attacks which ended up as agoraphobia. I was just getting myself together when at the age of 23 when my husband had a brain haemorrhage. He recovered from that one but at the age of 28 he had 2 more and ended up with multiple disabilities and needing 24/7 care. At at age of 28 my agoraphobia was really bad and hadn't got a clue how I would cope and couldn't see any future. The grief at losing part of my husband, the children I thought I would have and fear of thow I would cope with the future (Especially when I couldn't even get to the shps without feeling terrified) was overwhelming and I never thought I would be happy again. 18 years later I'm still caring 24/7 for my husband and I can honestly say that we've had many happy times since then and my agoraphobia doesn't affect me any more. (athough I'm not sure about getting on a plane!) The lessons I learnt. Time helps you cope with grief you just have to get through the days and wait. You'll always love and miss the person you've lost but it gets easier when you get used to them no longer being part of your daily life. Be gentle with yourself and don't be afraid to ask for help. I told my doctor I needed counselling and advice on how to cope with panic attacks and although I was very sceptical about it it did help. If you've already tried this ask again. Some counsellors are better than others. This simple exercise really helped me with the panic attacks. Lie down and loosen anything tight round your waist. Put your hands on your tummy and link your fingers. Gently breath your fingers apart and back together. Do this until you feel calmer. It's not a magic cure and neither is counselling and it took me quite a while to feel better. Just hold on in there. You'll get there in the end.
love and peace
Angelica

By angelica

Re: Life after Caring
Thu 13 Dec 2007 15:13

Sorry Keshor,
Just read the dates on this and realised that Manda posted back in April. Sorry to hear of your loss. Kind thoughts to you. And if you still read this website manda I hope things are going ok for you

Love and peace to both
Angelica

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