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Living with someone with depression
- By sarah_82
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Sun 28 Jun 2009 19:48
Hi
My husband has had clinical depression and anxiety for 10 months now, he woke up two weeks before our wedding day and has not been the same again, this is his second 'episode' in three years, only this time it is worse. We did get married and had a good day, however our relationship is hardly there anymore. I am finding it really hard, i work part time and have an 8 yr old daughter, i have to feed him his medication as he says they don't work, make his appts, sorting benefits, sick notes, medication etc..etc. I find the worse thing is living with someone who does not touch, or go near me and hardly talks to me, and is rude and says horrible things to me, like our life's ruined, our daughter is mentally not right and will end up in 'special school', he looks up suicide and all sort of horrible things on the computer (i have put a block on it now). He lies in bed til someone gets him up (usually his mother), and misses alot of his appts with the mental health team, and GP as he says they cant make him better. I see couples in the street, showing each other affection and having a proper conversation and it makes me really sad, when i kiss him i may as well be kissing the furniture the response i get for him. My family say 'can't you leave him' as they can see how unhappy i am. His family say 'its just his illness, he can't help it' and the medical profession say 'yes it must be difficult', and to make it worse his work have given him Medical retirement, so he has no job to go back too. What do i do, For better for worse ah?? Do i stay with him just in case he does get better? Any one else in similar situation? Thanks for listening to my waffle!!
Replies
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By jennifer
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Re: Living with someone with depression
Sun 28 Jun 2009 20:27You do have a problem.
Like us all we have been faced with testing times,hard times,depressing times,and very stressfull times.So when you say is anyone else in your situation,yes love in one way or another we are.
You say should you stay with him,you are obviously in doubt if you can cope.Maybe help from Social services can help you,have you asked them.
Yes you should put your little girl first too.
Your doctor should advise you too.
Depression is a serious illness love.
Sorry I might not have been much help.
- By sleepybluegiraffe
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Re: Living with someone with depression
Sun 28 Jun 2009 20:48My situation is similar but different. I live with my best friend who has bipolar and I've had to cope with suicide attempts every other day at one point. I can't say for sure but your husband could still get better with the right care and a better attitude from the doctors and social services. It is exhausting mentally and physical but there's always hope. I know it's difficult but try not to take the things he says to you personally. If you feel your daughter's mental health is being affected see if there's counselling or something else available for her, or maybe even a local young carers group if appropriate. Maybe see if you can get someone to care for him so you can have a break even if it's only a day (although I have difficulty doing this because my friend thinks I want to get away from her).
I doubt I've been much help but if you want to talk I'd be happy to talk more.
- By Beatle
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Re: Living with someone with depression
Sun 28 Jun 2009 21:02I too live with my partner who has bi-polar and it definately affects the carer in many ways. There are so many ups and downs. I try very hard to be happy and look forward to even the most simplest of things to keep me going but I know how hard it is. I am also on antidepressants to cope and feel very low when things are hard then he changes and I think "well its fine now". It never lasts and I have been in this situation for nearly 15 years. It becomes the 'norm' which really isn't good. I go to a carers group run by Rethink and get good support from their worker and other carers. They are people that understand my situation whereas other people don't and like Sarah have been told to leave. When things are good its ok but it always changes back again. I know he can't help it but it doesn't make it any easier. Each time the moods and verbal abuse start it is just as hard as if it was the first time it happened. If only people realised what a hard life it is to live with a person with mental illness. I know how Sarah is feeling and my heart goes out to her.
- By sarah_82
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Re: Living with someone with depression
Sun 28 Jun 2009 21:12Thanks, for replies, i too go to Rethink, however most of the groups are in the day when im at work, so i have not met other carers.
The mental health team care plan makes me laugh, they always say 'make a routine plan up, that you can stick to each day, go for a walk, do this do that' and my husband says, 'yes i will do that' and i tell them that we have tried this all before they think that when they try it, it will work, but it does not the next day comes, and guess what, he stays in bed, he can do things but he says 'whats the point, can't be bothered, i aint going to make me feel better' and the day continues. I hope every day that he will return to me again. If i do stay will i regret it 10 yrs down the line, hoping! I am only 27.
- By fenlander
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Re: Living with someone with depression
Mon 29 Jun 2009 11:15My husband has suffered with depression on and off over the years and got clinically depressed 2 years ago which ended up with a suicide attempt as a result of which he is now Paraplegic but thankfully better mentally. Now he cannot begin to understand why he was the way he was and did what he did - it wasnt him, the chemical imbalance in his brain disturbed who he was and no amount of counselling seemed to help.
I can understand why he did it because he felt so wretched, being sick when he ate, shaking and sweating when he tried to do anything and not sleeping and he could not see how it would or could end and he felt a burden to me.
So trying to understand your situation from what you say your hubby seems to be focussed on how he feels but is he able to care about how you feel? I say that because unless he can I think he is unlikely to break out of it. Even if he feels so wretched about himself if he could make an effort to do things for you and your child he might stand a chance of coming out of it.
I sometimes wonder if I should have left when my hubby was bad before our children were born but I love him too much to do that. Having said that it has put a lot of burden on me - I get all the admin and stressful stuff to do and it often feels like I have 3 boys instead of a partner and 2 boys.
Clearly you both need to feel there is a way to move forward out of this.What does your GP say? Have you asked for a private chat with him/her to offload your feelings and ask for help?Have you talked with your hubby and told him that you love him and want to help him, with his help as well, to overcome this and that lying in bed just isnt going to do that - he needs to be able to see and feel that he must do it for you, your child and himself. But do it with love.
At some point if you cant both get past this then for the sake of your daughter if not yourself you will have to live apart I think but the time for that will be when you have given it your best shot I think.
- By fenlander
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Re: Living with someone with depression
Mon 29 Jun 2009 12:07Been thinking more about your situation and wanted to add that when you are depressed the gap between how you feel and what you can do now and what people want and expect you to be able to do can seem unsurmountable and therefore make you feel more wretched and less able to move forward. You cant changes what other people say or do but you could tell him that you understand this and will support him in whatever he wants to do but that you all need to work towards small steps of recovery. The meds he is on probably stop him "feeling" and although I had my hubby back home with me last year he only really came back to me when he came off the Prozac - so bear that in mind.
Take care ((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))
Fen xx
- By sarah_82
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Re: Living with someone with depression
Mon 29 Jun 2009 19:04Thanks for the replies, they have helped as i feel less 'alone' my family try to but they do not know what it is like to live with someone like i do. I feel like your circumstances are worse than mine he is on a lot of medication, i have seen GP and he gave me two weeks off for stress, i went back to work today. The GP says he cannot do any more, only control the meds, i have explained to my husband how i feel and he does not say anything much, except 'i told you our lives are ruined' . I have many times thought of living apart, however where would he go? his mother has made it quite clear that she does not want him at hers, as it would disrupt their social and personal life, i do every day think, 'i will wait one more week, things may improve' however they don't. I will keep you all posted, and thanks again, i am thinking of you all too xxx
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By Jock
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Re: Living with someone with depression
Mon 29 Jun 2009 22:30Hi There,
I have just joined this site and I have been reading a few of the posts and think it is quite a good idea as at times I feel all alone on this planet . I am a full time carer and care for my partner who suffers from bi-polar disorder. She his been in a manic state now for a few years. I can understand entirely what you are going through as her familly have also given up on her as they cannot cope with her. Around 6 or 7 years ago she had the other side of the illness and had deep depression at which time she tried a few times to kill herself by taking tablets and on one occasion trying to set fire to herself. At the moment she believes she is on a mission from god and always quotes passages from the bible to who ever will listen to her.
Bless her cotton socks.
- By sarah_82
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Re: Living with someone with depression
Sat 4 Jul 2009 09:18Hi Jock, i am sorry for what you and your partner are going through, although i am part of a carers group, rethink, i did too feel very alone. My partner has also tried to kill himself, i don't know if you felt the same, but i felt that he must not care about me that much if he wants to do that, the thought of not seeing my daughter grow up makes me feel sick, but he was willing to do that. My partner believes that he is being tricked by the devil, and that the devil is taking over him. We have not been religious, he started going to church after his last episode of depression, now he thinks that it was because the devil tricked him into believing he was better.
Hope ur all doing ok, take care
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By carolm
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Re: Living with someone with depression
Sat 4 Jul 2009 10:28It is so hard living in this situation....my brother in law was depressed and suicidal for about six months, which was horrendous for his partner as he had guns and kept threatening to blow his brains out - would tell her a specific day he was going to do it. He was completely emotionally detached and couldn't see any other point of view on anything, and was really nasty to anyone who tried to help.
Fortunately he's getting better, but the relationship didn't survive and now he is living with us, being jobless, penniless and homeless after she kicked him out. Which is not entirely great as I am already looking after my stroke-disabled husband and trying to keep an eye on my elderly dad and mum with MS! But what else can you do??
I really feel for all of you living with someone with depression.