Discussion Boards I care for...
How should I cope with mum's possible dementia please
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By mama pud
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Tue 9 Jun 2009 09:40
Hello,
I am a newbie - just joined yesterday.
Hubby & I have been caring for my mum who is 81, and has parkinson's disease. She is showing signs of dementia - not all the time, but if we go out to the shops (we can only leave her alone for 1 hr max. ) we come back and she is walking across the room with her zimmer - going to see if the potatoes have burned/putting the dinner on/going to see what is for dinner. When we do go out, we take her to the loo in her wheelchair before going, and make sure she is settled and ask her not to answer the door or get up (she may fall and break something).
We came back the other day and she was frantically looking in a box which we leave her bottle of water and cake in - I asked what she was looking for, and she said "the dog's dinner".
She also insisted the other day that her brother and sister had visited while we were out (she has not seen them for donkey's years - they are not in contact with her) - and he should have been at school (he must be all of 60 +).
Sorry for long post, these are just a few little examples of behaviour, but how do you answer these sort of questions - do you play along with them or tell them the truth?
I have been telling her that she has not cooked anything for around 6 years and she does not even go in the kitchen.
I understand that parkinsons destroys the brain cells, so maybe it is this too, she has had it since she was in her 60's, and is now 81.
Any help would be appreciated please - us carers don't seem to receive any outside guidance with this sort of thing - we just 'get on with it'.
Replies
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By jennifer
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Re: How should I cope with mum's possible dementia please
Tue 9 Jun 2009 11:07Hello Mama pud, I was reading your message,you are walking in my shoes.
My father in law is 98,he is well into dementia,diagnosed 3 yrs ago.Yes he too thinks his mother and father are still alive,sometimes he gets so angry with me when I tell him the truth.Before I came to live with him,it was so worrying,thought he would leave the house to try and find them.He also thought he was still working,and would lash out and say I need to get to work.But they are living in the past love,short term memory.
But I am sorry to say,you need to look at things seriously,you are about to get on that long lonely sad road,and what ever you decide must be in your mums and yourselfs best interest.
Also Dad thinks his son comes here to help,but has not done nothing at all for many years,when my husband died his brother,he wanted to take over,put his dad in a home,and get power of attorney,that was over three yrs ago,but dad was in his right mind them,and he told him noooooooo,he wanted to stay in his own home,and for me to have power of attorney.My brother in law tried all the most horrible things to push me over the cliff,but my love and determination has got me this far,yes he has backed of a bit,thankfully.Outside stress I dont need.
Now dad is not in any danger as he can not walk now,has to have a hand rail to pull himself up,so this enables me to quickly go to the shop.
Rest bite is brilliant,4 times a year.
You are fortunate to have a partner supporting you,big (((hug))) for him from me.
Help the aged do sit in's,so you and your hubby can have some time out together,call them.There is no charge.
All the very best to you,keep chatting we are here. x
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By jennifer
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Re: How should I cope with mum's possible dementia please
Tue 9 Jun 2009 11:20Has she got the aid call machine,with the emergensie button around her neck,dad had it,but I had it took out,as soon as I told him what it was for,he forgot.Pulled it out of the wall cos he said it was buzzing,but the other end did a test now and again.
Could you talk together and plan what is going to happen next,looks like she is going to need 24/7 care,possibly she can move in with you,or you with her.But realize this can go on for years,it helps being with them rather than the worry,or the dashing backwards and forwards,I did that for 6yrs,hard work,yes I was meals on wheels too,had to come here 3 times a day.Been here with him for just over a year now.Given up all hobbies,and a social life.But love him to bits.
- By drahcir
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Re: How should I cope with mum's possible dementia please
Tue 9 Jun 2009 11:30Hello Mama Pud!
Glad to see that you are seeking advice on how to cope with the onset of dementia. My dad was diagnosed four years ago and I was given conflicting advice. That I should "humour" him and go along with what he says unless it would cause some possible danger to either of us OR gently try to correct him.
I found that constant correction caused conflict and I now opt for "distraction". Switching on a radio or television, seeing something interesting in the garden or talking about the next meal.
Visitors are the biggest problem because they think my dad is telling "porkies". He often tells them how I made him walk around the shops in the town in the morning ... he hasn't been out since December 2005. He believes he still goes to work and surprised a new neighbour by telling her that he was going to bed as he had to do the stocktaking the next day. Anyone who speaks to him for ten or twelve minutes thinks he is quite OK and I get accused of exaggeration or attention-seeking!
There is an excellent coverage of dementia on the BUPA website with various scenarios.
You will probably find that telling your mum you are going out for a while and to stay put in her chair simply won't work. She will forget the instructions, forget that you have gone out and are coming back and will revert to habits she still remembers from the distant past and try to do all the things a good housewife and mother should!
Caring for someone with dementia is not easy but in the long run it is very rewarding.
Best wishes .....
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By mama pud
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Re: How should I cope with mum's possible dementia please
Tue 9 Jun 2009 11:44Thank you both so much for taking the time to read my post, and for your helpful replies.
We do live with her, and have done ever since we married - she was widowed, and I lived with her, then married John & he was good enough to move in here at my original home.
She did have an aid-call button, but refused to wear it or even have it near her!
At the moment, she refuses to have sitters here - she thinks they will rob her - anyway the doggies would probably put them off!
John does get out occasionally to see his daughters (from his previous marriage), and I could get out if I wanted - albeit on my own, and he would stay here, so its not as bad as some of the fantastic people I have read about on this site.
I have been reading wwjenfairclean's day, and it puts me to shame - to think I have felt sorry for myself on days when it gets too much.
Also drahcir - you have hit the nail on the head - she would forget any instructions. Your dad is so lucky to have you.
You both have been extremely helpful and we both appreciate it.
Thank you xx