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12yr old son with aspergers/ADHD , 10 year old daughter, needs respite care from him please help x
- By Pollysue
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Tue 21 Oct 2008 10:11
Hi have just joined today as I don't know where to turn , my 12 year old son has aspergers and ADHD and though he's fine at school ( he goes to a special school ) , at home he makes everyones life a misery , especially his 10 year old sister , she has always been kind and understanding towards him and they used to have a good relationship , but the last 3 - 4 months he seems to go out of his way to make her miserable , if she has a friend round he bullys her friend to the point where shes now too scared to ask her best friend round , she told me on the way to school this morning that although she loves school she spends all day dreading coming home , which is heartbreaking, I've told her teacher and he was very understanding and is going to set up some therapy sessions with Isabel and her friends as she does tend to keep things hidden and won't talk to her friends , this weekend she went away for 2 nights on a school trip and in her room her and 2 other girls had a lovely little girl in her class with downs stay in thier room and they all helped her get dressed and read her stories and were lovely (belive me Isabel makes me very proud !XXX) and the little girls mum gave them all a box of coccys to say thanks , we Isabel came in with them Oliver got into such a foul mood about Isabel getting them that I didn't get the chance to tell Isabel well done and Isabel didn't dare eat any of the chocolates . Oliver gets aggressive and has been grounded from going out anymore because if he's out he starts swearing or gets aggressive with the other children , but Isabel is too scared to go out now as she fells Oliver will be aggressive to her if she does,the last time Oliver lost it with me the only way I could stop him kicking the S*** out of me was to threaten to call the police because hes very strong and he just wouldn't stop ( i had bruises on my leg the size of saucers last lasted for months ) , he did stop then and started to cry but I just worry that he will end up in jail when hes older , I also worry that Isabel will just end up going of the rails or trying to leave hope as early as possible to get away from her brother , please can anyone help with any support groups for respite care for Isabel so she can get away and see other children who will understand her problems , thanks for reading my rant could have been a lot longer !!! XXXXXXXX
Replies
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By natalie
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Re: 12yr old son with aspergers/ADHD , 10 year old daughter, needs respite care from him please help x
Tue 21 Oct 2008 10:44pollysue i know how you feel i have a 15 yr old daughter woth problems and a 10 yr old daughter with no problems she also feels outside the family i got her involved in a young carers group she was assesed by a company called PSS or the princes trust do one they are fantastic its like a youth club for young carers but obviously they are not they are well trained and do wotkshops around any issuse they also go on breaks away as your daughter mine also is very very caring and always looks afret the underdog so to speak it makes me worry though even as recent as last night she made a comment on the coranation street story line were as sophie webster wanting more attention she described it as rosie is the eg in egg anchips the parents were the chips and sophie is th colslaw on the side no one really likes or notices it made me so sad i hope iv helped you with were you can get help for her oh yes also the CAMMS team may help (childrens mental health) your lopcal authority go through your social worker if you hav e one or your doctor if you dont have a worker its a good idea to get one you get restbite ect we get direct payments as we were suffering as a family spending time together we now get 32 hours a month so we spend more time with my youngest daughter
natalie x
- By beve
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Re: 12yr old son with aspergers/ADHD , 10 year old daughter, needs respite care from him please help x
Tue 21 Oct 2008 13:28Dear me it seems that no-one out there cares i have four kids 3 girls and 1 boy my son has recently been diagnosed with adhd ,thank god he takes equasym 30mg once a day. Since yr2 he's constantly been getting excluded from school. The whole of yr3 he spent 2 hrs(when he was there) in a seperate building away from the school and the other kids.He trashed the room so many times i've lost count he assulted the teacher and 1 to 1 he constantly ran away from school, i called ameeting at the school with all those involved and ran the meeting and told them this had to stop but without a statement what could i do??
In september this year he started a special school without his statement and he loves it there , he has run off and walked half way home along and crossing main rds he still attacks other children but like all of you the worst time is home time.....this weekend he shut my 10yr old daughters hand in a cupboard thankfully no bones were broke but she's still suffering alot of pain also this weekend he threatnede me with aknife which is a regular occurance in our home he then continued to chase a few kids where we live with a plank of wood! It's absoloutly chaos and sometimes i just break down and think WHY???? I would like to try and get some respite for my son as none of our family help to care for him it is just me and my husband and it's bloody hard work. We both hold down jobs although i had to change mine to evenings to be around for him in the day when needed at the school, we have the three girls who don't get alot of time with us what do we do? how do we get respite???
- By Pollysue
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Re: 12yr old son with aspergers/ADHD , 10 year old daughter, needs respite care from him please help x
Tue 21 Oct 2008 13:46Hi Beve
i know that feeling my son spent most of yrs 1 and 2 being excluded even though he was only going to school 9-12 , and he had 1.1 care and often attacked the carer it was hell . so glad hes in a special school now and i don't have to dread the phone call asking me to get him from school , then when you pick him up hes there with no shoes on because hes been kicking people !
I understand the other members of the family not helping, my mother still thinks hes just being naughty and a good smack will sort him out !!!!
so your not alone XXXXXX
- By Pollysue
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Re: 12yr old son with aspergers/ADHD , 10 year old daughter, needs respite care from him please help x
Tue 21 Oct 2008 14:07natalie
thanks for your message ,will look into that ,its so sad for them isn't it they should just being doing normal 10 yr old things and not stressing , my daughter is also caring and worries about the underdog so and as much as you want them to sort of tough up a bit, you never want them to stop being so lovey and caring , if you know what i mean XXX
- By nel
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Re: 12yr old son with aspergers/ADHD , 10 year old daughter, needs respite care from him please help x
Tue 21 Oct 2008 22:08hi, I'm a social worker but i work with adults so i'm not an expert on this, you will need to check it out. but have you got a social worker? or rather has your son? if so they should be able to help or at least give some advice; if not then organisations like barnardos or other charities might help. i know that there are charities who provide holidays for families 'in need' and i would have thought that the princess royal trust would have lots of info on this sort of thing although if you have already asked them then i apologise for the rubbish advice there! in adult care, i don't know if it's the same with children, it's usually the disabled person who has respite while the carer stays at home so i don't know if that's the same with kids - maybe then you could have a week with your daughter - but then don't be afraid to challenge the assumptions local authorities make they should be creative really. on reflection i've just waffled a bit there and not necessarily been of any use.
what i would say is: knowledge is power and as much as you can learn about your entitlements/what's out there, from other carers, organisations, etc, the better.
also, i am constantly impressed by people like you who dedicate so much time to caring, it is one of the best parts of my job meeting such impressive dedicated people
- By EL
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Re: 12yr old son with aspergers/ADHD , 10 year old daughter, needs respite care from him please help x
Tue 21 Oct 2008 22:12Hi pollysue. Ihad all this with my Adam AS and daughter who is 12 years older than him and NT. Adam would instantly target Jackie for any revenge for any wrong doing, he went at her with a bottle once so she slapped his face, hard, i was at the shop at the time and by the time war had broken out, for being slapped Adam laid into Jackie constantly punching her, it took all his dads strengh to pull him off, thankfuly this is the only episode of directed physical violence. I am at a loss as to why he always targeted her, and nothing i tried worked, i'm happy to say now though that they get on fine and communicate well with each other, Adam grew out of this behaviour, could have been part of his early puberty stage i'm not sure, but puberty was the worst time for him and his behaviour was pretty nasty at times. Siblings do have a hard time of it though don't they, no matter how understanding they try to be how helpful they just get it all thrown back in there face. One thing i should have done was listen to my daughter more, i wished i had made time for just us so she could see she could confide in me instead of letting her frustration and hurt build up to the point she became depressed. Just for the record i used to threaten Adam with calling the police, it worked...... till the next time! being so angry and confrontational now does not mean he will turn out a bad un! so don't worry yourself silly over that. BIG HUGS XXX
- By kerry.
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Re: 12yr old son with aspergers/ADHD , 10 year old daughter, needs respite care from him please help x
Wed 22 Oct 2008 06:31Hi Pollysue,
I have two severely disabled children aged 10 and 11. my daughters are now 17 and 19 but when they were younger they had an awful time really- george would lash out (fear and anxiety) and my 17 yr old still has little scars on her pretty face from him sctratching. Ive had broken ribs, my husband a broken nose. too many bruises to count, too much poo and spit wiped on us to count...
anyway- my girls attended a young carers group- this was in Kent- and they loved it.
the SW who has written above is right- you should have a SW- you also need a carers assessment which is a legal obligation under the "carers recognition and services act of 1995"- this is to discuss and implement what YOU need. your daughter can also have one to access a young carers group.
my girls would go weekends, and even went camping once with thousands of other young carers up to nottingham i think it was- they had a ball (espcially as they met liberty x in the little chef on the way haha)
these groups are for YC's aged 7 to 18. they generally get bored with it by aged 13/14 but as you say shes only 10, she would enjoy it.
Also it might be worth getting an assessment for your son to see if there is any medication he can take.
we fought against medication for my youngest for yrs but in the end we had to do it cos we were so desperate. hes on ritalin and clonodine.
we also give them omega fish oils from H&B- if you wait til the sale they are £5 for 500 instead of £20!the only other thing i can say is dont let him get away with it- Gosh i kow that sounds so purile- i used to scream when people said it to me (but they didnt have disabled kids lol) my siddie loses the plot when we discipline him but we force ourselves and you can always buy earplugs and put him in a room full of mattresses lol
he can beat the s**t out of the mattresses and you wont even hear him haha.
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By Sam6197
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Re: 12yr old son with aspergers/ADHD , 10 year old daughter, needs respite care from him please help x
Wed 22 Oct 2008 13:48Hi Pollysue ( and everyone else! ),
I just thought I'd pop into this conversation as I'm one of the YCNet team - www.youngcarers.net, who are also part of The Princess Royal Trust for Carers.
We operate an online support service for young carers aged 8 upwards where they can come online and find support from other young carers and our qualified youth workers. Our site contains lots of information about all sorts of things relevant to young carers, discussion boards where they can read and reply to messages from other young carers, Agony Aunt page, blogs and a chatroom where they can talk to other young carers and our youth workers.
All messages are moderated by our youth workers and they are also always present when the chatroom is open so the site is very safe for young people. As you'll see if you go and look at the discussion boards we sometimes talk about caring issues and they sometimes talk about the same things any 10, 12 or 14yr old would! The chatroom is much the same but offers vital peer support for young people who might find it hard to talk to their friends in their "real" lives.
So, feel free to have a look around the site with your child ( though obviously if you're adults don't register on it! ) and if they like what they see then registering is quick and easy.
We hope that is helpful,
Sam
Youngcarers.net Team
- By mand65
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Re: 12yr old son with aspergers/ADHD , 10 year old daughter, needs respite care from him please help x
Wed 22 Oct 2008 22:45HI pollysue, local carers centre is good also nas website for local groups aspergers and adhd. Info is needed for mum about your sons condition, she needs to know its lifelong n sometimes awareness and knowlege could bring understanding,as for your little girl she sounds like a caring, and old beyond years as all siblings are who help in the caring household, i spend time with mine seperately (hard finding the time) i have 3 girls aged 23, 17, 9, eldest with learning/behavioral difficulties and looking into diagnosis for autism/aspergers your not alone im sorry for not writing long message will not let me publish
have you contacted childrens section?..........mand
- By mand65
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Re: 12yr old son with aspergers/ADHD , 10 year old daughter, needs respite care from him please help x
Wed 22 Oct 2008 23:06WOW its let me on
have you access to youth clubs for your son and holiday clubs via school, your son will be on the verge of puberty, trying to deal with body changes and emotions(thats something else whats emotions) my little girl was sobbing on sunday, all weekend my eldest was badgering her and pushing around etc was fed up,the trigger was she was unsettled due to a new window fitted in the bedroom. Usually she has the patience of a saint and adores her big sis. My middle daughter tried to leave home with all the stress all sorted now, ups n downs, bet you know about them, this is a great website with lots of advice and tips, keep browsing 
like me n your eyes will look like that ha ha.........take care and get networking !!..........mand