Dealing with Anger

Replies

By Lucy Loo

Re: Dealing with Anger
Wed 16 Jul 2008 15:03

Just to add that I am in the States, and we don't have any support here for being a carer - we are generally left on our own to make a way through this quagmire.

Consequently, I don't have anyone to even occasionally relieve me of this mess.

By marie66

Re: Dealing with Anger
Wed 16 Jul 2008 20:11

Hi do you have any exercise equipment at home?
When things get too much and I feel angry I jump on my Aerobic Rebounder.
I bought some pan-pipes music and looked online (youtube) for some Tci-chi moves.
If I'm really stressed I go do some Tai-Chi and it's the most effective way to calm down!

Or I tell myself:
This will pass,

Things are getting better,

and I can cope
all in that order - a bit like a mantra!!

If all else fails - say a prayer to Saint Jude, he's pretty good with sticky situations!
(((Hugs)))
marie x

By EL

Re: Dealing with Anger
Wed 16 Jul 2008 20:49

Oh my word Lucy Loo you could have written that statement about me its so identical its freaky like you i do everything a wife usually does but i also do the work expected of a husband i do bloody everything my hubby has Aspergers and social anxiety disorder so is always under my feet, i wouldnt mind but his daily routine is 1. go to work(postman) home for 1pm, 2. cooks himself bacon and eggs and coffee and sits and watches sky sports for an hour, 3. goes to bed for a 3 or 4 hour nap as he gets up at 4.30am, 4. gets up has dinner then sits at the PC playing music or plays the wii, 5. does his gym work out, 6. shower then bed. Thats it!!! thats all he does day after day he drives me crazy, i do understand really i do but for f** sake im tired of being the mother, father, wife, nurse maid, cook, personal shopper, cleaner, gardener, painter and decorator, financial advisor, banker etc etc WHAT ABOUT ME i want to be and feel wanted not needed so glad we have a punch bag in our gym cause at times i can smash his face in without hurting his feelings or putting him in hospital before the punch bag i punched the bed you dont half feel it in your muscles the next day though

By Lucy Loo

Re: Dealing with Anger
Thu 17 Jul 2008 03:25

Oh my gosh El, we do sound alike! My husband never leaves the house - he's been out maybe 3 times in the last two months and it drives me crazy! I enjoy being in the house by myself sometimes and I don't get that anymore - and he doesn't seem to understand why it's important to me. I mean, please take the children somewhere sometimes for heaven's sake! Even to the park. Or even leave the kids here and go out by yourself! Aghhh!

I never would have described my husband as thoughtless when we first met - I thought he was pretty sensitive. But it seems that his depression or his medication has clouded his mind and he seems to care very little for what I go through day after day. I work, take care of the kids, keep the house, pay the bills, attend all appointments of every kind, and run everything.

Oh boy, just talking about it is getting me hot under the collar.

Thank you Marie & El for the suggestions. Someone had mentioned to me about a punching bag or possibly to take up running again - it's been so long since I've run, but maybe if I start out slow. I can't believe how quickly my anger just bubbled to the surface just talking about it - I think I am angrier than I even realized.

By Lucy Loo

Re: Dealing with Anger
Thu 17 Jul 2008 03:27

Oh, by the way El, I think my husband has that social anxiety disorder that your husband has - that's what keeps him from wanting to go out. But I don't think he's ever been officially given that diagnosis.

By Tricia

Re: Dealing with Anger
Thu 17 Jul 2008 07:03

When I first read Lucy post I thought I do everything myself everyday without a second thought as I am and have been a single parent for over 15 years bringing up three children; the youngest who has autism and learning disabilities. Also cared for my parents when they were alive along with the voluntary work which I am involved with.

Then on refection realise how much better off I am as I don't have the stresses involved which you all face in having someone you love in your lives living at home.

Thank you for remiding me the benefits of remaining single

By EL

Re: Dealing with Anger
Thu 17 Jul 2008 08:05

lucy, i too thought i had found myself a diamond i thought he was one in a million now i know hes one in five hundred what gets on my last nerve is he has energy for himself he has get up and go when he wants to go to the cinema with Adam yet we refuse any or every invitation we get due to him not being comfortable enough to mix with people to an outsider he looks and sounds lazy and selfish and i get negative comments about him all the time not many people respect him either but get on at me rather than face up to him. His whole persona comes across as arrogant, rude and indiferent, hes black and so stereotyped rather than seen as just different, have you seen the film 'the santa clause'? if so the bits where loads of kids flock around him or walk past smiling and waving is how it is when we do go out anywhere he has a lot of empathy and understanding with kids he has often been told he should have been a child councellor or mentor maybe this is because he does not seem to have progressed beyond teenage years and im serious about that, where i have grown into my 46 years he has regressed and doesn't even look 44 let alone act like it. i do get to the point of despair at times, i feel like just walking off the station platform more times than is acceptable but Adam is my life and sunshine so he keeps me here oh the times i have thought of kicking him out but his only crime is being different and unable to cope with normal everyday living like most people, besides what goes around comes around and i would not like Adam to get my just desserts in the future better the devil you know ay tricia now you know which side your breads buttered as they say

By EL

Re: Dealing with Anger
Thu 17 Jul 2008 08:12

Lucy have you read anything by Wendy Lawson? she was in her 40's before she was diagnosed as having Aspergers, she was miss-diagnosed all her life as being psychotic, sad life story cant remember the official figures but lots of adults have 'slipped' through the diagnosis 'net' Autism was unheard of when we were kids and Aspergers was unheard of till the mid 90's so im not surprised most kids were seen as just plain naughty and ignored

By Lucy Loo

Re: Dealing with Anger
Thu 17 Jul 2008 17:12

I hear you El - our stories are so very similar! My children are what keep me going too. Many a times I have wanted to kick my husband out, but then I go back in my mind to who he was the first few years and I remember what he used to be like (we've been married 11 years). Is it his fault that he has mental illness?

Friends don't understand at all. I know they want the best for me, and they think that leaving him would be best for me....but they don't understand how hard it can be to leave someone who can't even take care of himself enough to be on his own, to leave someone that I vowed never to leave.

Just like your husband, my husband is looked at as lazy and selfish (honestly I wrestle with the same thoughts myself, but again I go back to when we first met and he was nothing like this).

I haven't ready anything by Wendy Lawson - I will have to look online for her books. I am sorry that anyone has to go through this trying situation, but I am glad to have met you - it's nice to know someone who "gets it".

By EL

Re: Dealing with Anger
Fri 18 Jul 2008 08:42

The way i look at it is i have every right to moan and groan about my huby but no one else has that right as they do not know him, i get so angry when people say i should leave him who are they to say that? are there lives so perfect? i bet not. My one and only friend of 23 years said just weeks ago "has he ever been any good for you" i was livid as he was the one who wiped my bottom when i had an operation to remove rather a large cyst from my colon, the whole lengh of my bowels were taken out examined and put back which left me severely bruised and unable to move for weeks and weeks, 8 months later i had a total hysterectomy due to numerous cysts and also the return of stage two cancer cells, he did the same again, wiped my bottom, bathed me etc etc. where was my friend then when i really needed her? on the other side of the coin though i find it very hard that we dont have ANY physical contact we dont kiss and cuddle, just hug, hold hands etc etc in 21 years i can count on one hand the amout of times he has voluntary hugged me, once when my ex husband died, when my mum died, when my daughter lost a little girl at 17 weeks, when i was told the cancer cells had returned, and when i was told i would be on medication for the rest of my life for a heart condition, other than that nothing it makes me feel surplus to requirements i dont feel he loves me, wants me, desires me, likes the way i look, i have recently described my marrage as the lonliest place on earth and it is but i cant leave him, he would never survive on his own, when i met him in 1986 he lived on his own in a flat with NOTHING in it, he had cardboard in his shoes, and only looked like a member of society when he was in his uniform at work where we met, i was his supervisor, the second i saw his face and he smiled i knew he was my soul mate, i nearly fell off my 'kick stool' for all his faults for all the negativity, for all the tears over the last 21 years we are meant to be together simple as that