Depressed husband

Replies

By lizzie_T

Re: Depressed husband
Sat 12 Apr 2008 19:13

How old is he? Excuse my asking, but many men in middle age get like this. My first husband, whilst not diagnosed with depression was in the habit of holding us to ransome! I know it sounds cruel, but some men have a way of getting out of their responsibilities and foisting it all on the spouse, specially if money is tight - interest rates etc. I do not have that trouble with George - he is the epitomy of a good husband, but of course his age and physical health prevents him from taking part in finances and really that kindly person called DD takes it out as soon as it comes in anyway. If you sit and consider the scenario for a moment: ask yourself if someone is genuinely upsetting him and he is afraid to tell you. Perhaps he has a physical men's condition which he cannot discuss with anyone. Perhaps he just WANTS genuinely to be alone. My first husband would deliberately stay out all night just to see whether I would phone the police or not! Seeing just how far he can go - like a toddler banging the saucepan lids together to see how long before you break a blood vellel and take them away! Kids do that to see what sort of a mood their parents are in - they are really very clever. I learned that with nursing training. They also, children I mean, get angry inside themselves and when mum is the angel of patience, we were told, the children never learned how to express their anger, because the parent didn't - I am not explaining it well, but perhaps men are like that too. They think we, because we are women, pop out of our mothers wombs with the ability to do all the things men hate and oh boy how they do learn to play on that!
Think why he is depressed; why he is not taking his medication. There are so many reports of drugs having a worse effect than the original illness, BUT IF HE WON'T TAKE HIMSELF TO THE DOC AND DISCUSS ALL HIS MENTAL AND PHYSICAL PROBLEMS WITH AN EXPERT then that is his decision and the more you go on the less likely he is to do it. Wherever he goes, and whatever he does, it is entirely up to him and you are not responsible for that.
In the Old Testament (please don't ban me, it is not really any particular religion) there is a verse which says ''no man can redeem his brother: therefore he must let that alone forever'' It is probably in other books too - that just happens to be centuries old and it still applies. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE IF HE IS MAKING HIS OWN DECISIONS, so please do not beat yourself up about it.
I know how you feel though. I promised George I would not let him go away without me but the nursing home only had one room and I thought it would be OK while the rebuilding after the flood was being done. I was wrong. I should not have made that decision knowing he could not bear to be apart. Now he may not come back from the hospital. He could not physically walk away. Your husband has, so there is no blame on your part. It is the way things are. If you go chasing after him and begging him to return you will be making a rod for your own back. I learned that when I used to see the look on my first husband's face. He always seemed to time his return 24 hrs later when the police come back after the deadline. If something happens to him it is not your fault.

By JK44

Re: Depressed husband
Sat 12 Apr 2008 19:26

Hi there

Thanks for your response, it does help to here from other people
He's late 40's and suffered diagnosed depression for a few years but I don't think either of us cope with it well, tending to ignore rather than deal with it.
Thanks for your kind words, I see you have some worries of your own and still you manage to help others and deal with your own situation.
I suppose like you I need to find innner strength but I'm not sure where it will come from

Take care and thanks

By moonstar

Re: Depressed husband
Mon 14 Apr 2008 03:04

Hi

My ex husband suffered from depression - we separarated 5 years ago - in my case I was the one who left and took our son with me.

We had had two previous separations on the advice of his Psychiatrist, and although we tried to make things ok - he was very controlling and abusive. He also self harmed and was often hospitalised.

By leaving you when he feels unwell, he is avoiding dealing with the issue. If he has also stopped his medication he is not helping himself.

I think that you need to speak to his GP, and his Psychiatrist if he has one. He needs to see someone as soon as possible.

Please believe me when I tell you that none of this is your fault. He is an adult and has made choices. It is his responsibility.

Please stay strong for yourself.

HUGS to you. Take care

By JK44

Re: Depressed husband
Mon 14 Apr 2008 20:56

Hi Moonstar

Thanks so much for your words of comfort and for the hugs. It does help me to keep strong

Its really important to know there are people who can survive this and move on as you seem to have

Hugs and thanks to you too

By moonstar

Re: Depressed husband
Mon 14 Apr 2008 23:23

Hi JK44

Just wanted to let you know that Im in the chat room most nights around 11.30 so if you ever want to chat ....... Everyone is very friendly and will offer lots of shoulders to cry on.

I have a child with special needs so I had to put him first in my situation.

Im not saying that it has been easy - it hasnt, there are lots of issues which I still have to resolve with myself, and it has left my son with extreme anger and anxiety. We both had some counselling last year and it helped to start to put things straight. Still some way to go, but my son is the most important thing in my life, and I have to get on with it for him.

As I said in my last message to you - you are not responsible in any way, shape or form for his behaviour. I used to make excuses, take blame, etc, and eventually it will make you ill too.

Please take care and I hope that you will come into the chat room sometime.

All the best

LOTS OF HUGS !!!!

Jane (Moonstar)