Caring for a difficult parent

Replies

By failed.me.uk

Re: Caring for a difficult parent
Thu 21 Feb 2008 12:41

Hazel,

I can't even begin to imagine how incredibly difficult this situation
must be for you. The conflict of emotions must be all but
intolerable. Have you considered speaking to your G.P or perhaps
asking your local social services for help. I know the response from
them varies wildly across the country but it may be worth testing the
water.

Is your fathers situation likely to improve thus making this a short
term problem or is it going to be more long term.

Would either respite care or a day centre help alleviate the problem for you.

It may help others to respond with more helpful suggestions if you perhaps give an indication of the degree of care you are now providing for your father.

Perhaps speaking to someone who knows neither one of you may help, I am not necessarily suggesting counselling, maybe just an email chat with someone. Is there a local carers group where you live.

Perhaps Crossroads ( www.crossroads.org.uk ) may be a suitable contact point for you. I think you may need a referral to them but hopefully your G.P will oblige.

Regardless of anything else, your first duty has to be to yourself.

Take care.

By Lynn

Re: Caring for a difficult parent
Thu 21 Feb 2008 13:59

Hazel,

I can't relate to this as I haven't been in your situation but I think you have been amazing and your siblings should be ashamed of themselves - not for saying 'no' but for dumping all of this on your shoulders when you've had more than your fair share of worries in the past.

Do you know what I would do? I would write to Social Services (recorded or whatever) and tell them that effective XX.XX.08 you are no longer able to offer care to your father and can they make the necessary arrangements to take over. They have the legal obligation - yours is neither legal or emotional. Writing makes it official and you don't have to give a reason or get into a debate about it. Are you officially next of kin? If not then give them the name and contact details of whoever is (if you are then ignore it lol).

If you think this is hard and might make you feel guilty - think back to your childhood and decide who should really feel the guilt . . . . You have made a good life for yourself DESPITE the way you were treated.

Then get on with your life the way your siblings are and damn well enjoy it gal !

Lynn

By pud

Re: Caring for a difficult parent
Thu 6 Mar 2008 19:16

I have the same problem with my mother everyday I struggle
to put all the past behind me .It is not easy.My brother doesnt
want to know so I have to look after her.

By fizzy

Re: Caring for a difficult parent
Fri 7 Mar 2008 11:24

Hazel, Your not alone. I am in exactly the same situation and I relate entirely to what your saying. My father is more than difficult, it sounds awful but he's hateful.

He is verbally, mentally and sometimes physically abusive. Always has been and is getting worse. I'm at my wits end trying to care for him. Doctors have recommended he should be in a home - but he refuses point blank to even consider it. Caring for him is more than difficult. He made my mother's life a misery right up until the day she died and now he's determined to do the same to me. I also have a lot of emotional baggage from the past of how cruel he was to my mother, myself and my siblings. I can't even bear to look at him most of the time. To everyone else he can be Mr Charming but to me he's a monster. My siblings moved far away a long time ago and I don't blame them. I stayed for my mother. I don't know how I fell into this situation, I promised myself I wouldn't let it happen.

By kerry

Re: Caring for a difficult parent
Fri 7 Mar 2008 19:08

Hi Hazel,
If i was u I would put him in a home lol.
seriously my mother was a complete nightmare to me, abusive physically and mentally and emotionally.
so I dumped her and buggered off hundreds of miles away.
I suppose you cant do this cos of your job, friends etc, but u dont have to care for him. theres no law that sez its your job, especially when you got siblings...

start putting your foot down with a firm hand as me old aunty would say...
stand up for yourself and get them to get their fingers out too.

good luck
Kerry

By Hazel

Re: Caring for a difficult parent
Fri 7 Mar 2008 20:29

Dear Fizzy,

So sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. I can understand a little of what you are going through, although every one's experience is different. It's certainly a help to me to know that there are other people with similar problems to mine. Since I wrote this post things have settled down. I've moved back home although I still visit every other day and do shopping and other errands. The most important thing for me is firstly to keep my emotional distance. If that sounds cruel it isn't. It actually helps me to care for my father better than if I was still locked in the 'parent -child' relationship. I'm kind to him and fair, and do what needs to be done, and then I go home, like a nurse or a home help. I ignore any hurtful remarks and don't let myself be drawn into any disputes. I also set boundaries. I have a full time job so that in itself is a boundary, I have to go to work and put in the hours. I also go out and do the things I did before. I don't cancel anything for him. I don't go every day and I don't tell him when I'm next going. I keep the whole relationship on my terms.

Do you live with your father Fizzy? If so, you will have to put your foot down. You cannot let him destroy your life, after ruining your childhood. You must decide with the help of friends, how much help you are prepared to give. Then you must draw a line. You must say that if he is not prepared to go into a home or accept professional help that you will not be helping him any more. He is just playing games with you. He wants to be able to boss you around and have you running around. My father tried this, told the social services that he didn't need a home help because I was looking after him, and asked me to stay 'until he could get a home help'. I said no because I knew that he was just playing games. I told him he had to choose between a home help and managing on his own. In the end he chose to manage on his own. At the moment that is working out but I am glad that I have taken this stand now.

Kerry thank you for your reply too, and sharing your experiences and also thanks to Failed.me, Lyn and Pud for your input. It 's all been very helpful and I'm very grateful.