Husband

Replies

By Greebo

Re: Husband
Tue 1 Jan 2008 14:06

IMHO sounds like you've got a bad case of cabin fever - people snowbound together in the same log cabin for months on end used to end up going mad or trying to kill each other, just because they were deprived of any other stimuli than that one person and the contents of the cabin.

Okay, maybe you can't get out completely, but what you can aim for is being able to spend time in another room, without being "on call" the whole time.

I'm guessing that this clingyness is at least partly a reaction to the separation while in the nursing home. A bit like explorers who've been v active while on low rations stuffing their faces for several weeks when they get home.

If this is so, it will pass, but you need to help him to wean himself off it. e.g. tell him you'll be in the next room for 5 minutes, then go. No matter what, don't come back before the time is up. Always come back on time, so that he knows you will be back when you say. Repeat as many times as it takes, gradually building up to longer stretches of time.

It might help if you both used mobile phones at home - the texting bit has several preset smilies, and a lot of the phones remember numbers, so that you don't need to tap in a whole number each time you call or text, you just work down a menu - meaning 4 taps will send a short (cheap) text message, where it'd otherwise take several taps with much more nimble hands. A walkie talkie could help in a similar way and be cheaper, if his speech is fairly clear, but then there's no texting and being called up feels a bit more intrusive than being texted. You could make it clear that these aren't to be used to summon you back for little things - but they can be used for reassurance or to let you know that something is badly wrong or v urgently needed and can't be done by somebody else.

You said on the other thread that you've got a daughter - can she sit with her dad for a few short stretches? If he's kept occupied, or at least distracted, the time will pass faster, so he'll fret less about where you are. And some of those little things he needs doing maybe won't seem so urgent to him.

Okay, so doing that for a long stretch might not be reasonable, but there's a lot you can get done in 15 mins if uninterrupted.

Could you use a laptop & modem in the same room as your husband?

Could you move the computer to the same room he's in for most of the day?

Can he use the internet? If you're not more or less the only adult he "speaks to" all day, he might be less clingy when you need your space & time alone. Messageboards and mailing lists can be a great way out of isolation, and there's something for almost every interest & background out there.

Here's hoping some of this is doable for you.

By saz

Re: Husband
Tue 1 Jan 2008 15:08

hiya i know how u feel, as i care for my partner who cant handle me going out the room for more than 5 mins but ive got my laptop in living room so i do manage to switch of from him n be there at same time, howeva the house work dose suffer at times though... hang in there your not alone

By jorum

Re: Husband
Wed 2 Jan 2008 05:37

Hi Greebo,

Yeah, I never thought of that, going into another room to get away for a bit. I am constantly in the same room as he, he watches tv, as this is his only activity he can do, he has Multiple Sclerosis and is paralysed from the neck down, so he can't use his hands like to use a mobile phone or the internet, he is fully dependant on me to do things for him.

He is not my daughters father, we have only been married for 18 months and she used to like him but now that I am going through stress she says she doesn't like him anymore.

I do use the computer in the same room as he but that makes no difference, I hardly go out of the room, so I am constantly with him.

Today is no different from yesterday, I do feel that I get rather short tempered with him at times also because he isn't giving me that space to talk to people whether it be on the net or the phone.

By jorum

Re: Husband
Wed 2 Jan 2008 05:44

Hi Saz,

Yeah, I do have my computer in the same room as he but he still keeps me on my toes. I find that I get rather short tempered with him I shouldn't really feel that way, but I do. I just need a break. Like getting someone out to look after him while I spend time out, whether it be with my daughter or by myself, but that is very hard to do as I have no one to do that for me, I am trying to tap into a carers scheme where they get people out when needed, but that costs money and that is tight as he needs a new wheelchair and other things at the moment.

I just told him that I should get on the computer after he goes to bed and that will give me some breathing space, I might give that a go and see what happens.