Conflict within the family

Replies

By Greebo

Re: Conflict within the family
Sat 8 Dec 2007 11:17

While the situation you describe does hint at overprotectiveness, is there a possibility that the elderly person (even if not suffering from dementia) is forgetful or vulnerable & highly suggestible (because of pain or medication or tiredness) or prone to getting confused and agreeing to something just to be polite or to get you to go away? It could be that the carer doesn't want you to find out quite how bad the elderly person has got, and that may be in accordance with the elderly person's wishes.

No insult intended, but some people really shouldn't answer the phone or door for themselves because they're just not able to look out for their own interests. On his worst days (with the pain, brainfog & fatigue of ME), my husband is one of those people, even though he's in his right mind and there's no way I'd get power of attorney for him.

I realise this sounds obvious, but try persuading the carer/gatekeeper that you're not there to undermine her but there to make her work easier. Treat her as part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Get the gatekeeper onside, persuade her that everything you want to do would only be done with her agreement, even under her supervision if that's what it takes. Be patient, but make it clear that seeing as this is an elderly person you're talking about, time isn't unlimited.

You really need to prove that in spite of differences of opinion experience, the one thing you both genuinely care about is the welfare of that elderly relative.

Team approach? IMHO you really need to ask where were those other family members before, and whether they've criticised the carer/gatekeeper without trying to understand what she's coping with.

By welshie

Re: Conflict within the family
Sat 8 Dec 2007 12:59

hi, difficulties and family tension are hard to deal with when in a carer role and no one benefits and this can be distressing to the caree.
It is hard when you have a different view on what can benefit the caree. But you have to be aware that someone so closely involved doesnt always see the extent of the carees disabilities.
As for not including other members maybe the carer doesnt feel there offered much help other than critism,try by helping in a way there happy with i.e sitting with the caree taking them out for an hour maybe if you offered a meal once a week, build up ont this help and then suggest a chat over whats available to help them with the caree?
Is the care being give that bad? Is the caree distressed due to family tension or confusion.
Try and go in with an open mind look at what the carer is trying to do and offer support be careful how you word things as advice can be seen as critism rather than positive advice.
Say for example you think a day centre is a good idea look at it form both points of view stimulation away from the normal enviroment company and activities for the caree and time away and chance of a break for the carer. If you dive in and say she should go to the centre imagine how that comes across.
I've been both maincarer and support caring role and know how hard both are as the main carer i felt constant critism and not much pratical help, looking back the critism may have been valid advice up to a point but sometimes other family members didnt know my routine and theyd step in and tell mye oh you should feed her at a set time each day! well i did just not the time they thought i should. Its hard to keep everyone happy and i was doing the best i could.
Now i see my muminlaw and help with her care and there are things i think should be done differently but my fatherinlaw just cant see how poorly she is he's too involved so to step in and say well the daycentre would be great you have to be careful how you approach it. He recently said he's tired thats when i said about the centre well why not give it a try have a sleep in the morning she will be stimulated have some company whil e you sleep and she will sleep in the night then as she been out. Doesnt always work but gives him something to think on.

Try and remember its not easy for them anymore than it is for you im not saying your wrong or they are its just a hard situation all round.

By Dibble

Re: Conflict within the family
Thu 3 Jan 2008 00:56

Just got my internet connection back & cathing up on old posts. This subject is very pertinent to me in my role as perhaps the "gatekeeper." Let me know if you'd still appreciate feedback

By aggiebaggie

Re: Conflict within the family
Thu 3 Jan 2008 10:51

Try asking the gate keeper "what would happen if they got sick,who would care, who would know what's what" assure them that they do a great job, but you are as concerned for their long term outlook as much as the caree's.
If all else fails pow wow