Time for residential care?

Replies

By Merly

Re: Time for residential care?
Sat 5 May 2007 12:00

Have you tried or do you have access to residential respite care? If so, I suggest you try it as a priority. If this is not available to you, then you need to take drastic action to keep both dad and yourself on an even keel. Call your aged care assessment people right now, and ask for an urgent assessment of mum.
I am in the same position, having cared for my mother for 17 years and bought up five kids. I am tired, stressed and have finally realised I need help.
However as for your mum going into care, most facilities these days give better care than we could on a day to day basis, and if you stay involved with the decision making, you might find that life gets better for you all.
My heart goes out to you hun, and I am thinking of you. These decisions are hard to make, and in the end, we who care are the ones who have to make them. xxxxx

By london lass

Re: Time for residential care?
Sat 5 May 2007 20:11

hi just to let you know you are not alone with your mother, i had to move my mother , yes we do feel guilty but remember to think about yourself and family, kids hubby etc.. i know it was the right move now, i could not of gone on as before.

By lizbeth

Re: Time for residential care?
Sat 5 May 2007 22:52

Hi, thanks for taking the time to write, it helps just to know that other folk are going through the same.
I am trying to go for respite care in the meantime, and have had my mum assessed, but without her consent, I am told they will have to go through a process called guardianship. I didn't add that my dad's memory is slipping badly too, twice recently he has let food burn on the cooker, but OT tells me he would still be considered mentally competent.
Thanks again.

By Greebo

Re: Time for residential care?
Sun 6 May 2007 11:13

Lizbeth, I'm sorry you're having to make such difficult decisions when you're not well yourself.

For what it's worth, anybody's memory can be made worse by stress or lack of sleep, so you may find that once you've got your mum sorted out, your dad's memory will improve

By mag

Re: Time for residential care?
Mon 7 May 2007 14:27

Dear Lizbeth

I do feel for you at this time when you have such difficulties to cope with.

My mother died 8 years ago after being in a nursing home for a few years. I still feel the great sadness involved in such a course of action - you do not have a choice when life's problems dictate what needs to be done. I too felt so bad about it - you always think you should be able to cope and guilt seems to be part of our make-up even when there is no justification for guilt.

Like Greebo, I hope that when your dad gets rest and sleep he will improve.

Be kind to yourself.

Mag

 

By llizzie

Re: Time for residential care?
Mon 7 May 2007 19:26

Can I add a little bit? I hate to raise the ugly face of finance, but if your parents own their home, and have a pension, they will be charged a great deal by Sicial Services. I have yet to meet anyone who knows they have to pay, and pay dear, for services after an assessment. If your parents are separated, the heartache and cost will be great. A friend of ours was persuaded by the S>S> that he was responsible for paying for his father's care when he had a stroke.His mother still lives in her council flat.Our friend says he still owes the County £4,000, and had no idea that the parent's income only is what they should take, not his, but he believed them because they are the authority. His family came to this country some time ago and are British citizens. If the Social Services apply for guardianship it can mean only one thing. You can purchase help yourself more cheaply that they can provide.It is only better to apply to S>S> if you have no money and rent your home, and even then, if it comes out of the District Couuncil's housing budget, the S>S> would rather that than their budget. That is how elderly people are separated. It is all aquestion of who pays.The Social Services do not have to charge at all - that is what the Law says because Westminster emailed me. However, they do in England and Wales, and they will use whatever income or property you have until your parents condition becomes the responsibility of the NHS, by which time it will be much cheaper conditions. There was recently a case in the press, where the 82 year old wife was in need of nursing care, but her 85 year old husband did not.They lived in a council flat, with rent and tax paid because they only had the state pension. Her costs in the home will be met by the NHS, perhaps jointly with the S>S>. If he were to join his wife in the home, because he does not need actual nursing care, the S>S> would have to foot the bill for him.However, since his housing costs and tax etc. are paid for by the District council and Westminster, there is no cost to the S>S> budget, so the husband now has to live alone. I am not making this up, it was in the press last month, but I could quote many like it.
I strongly advise you to explore care privately before you commit to the S>S>. It is not so hard as you think.There are many wives and mothers who will be grateful for coming in when the children are at school or asleep with their father.You can apply for diect payments to top up their Attendance Allowance if neccessary, and you will qualify for the carers allowance even if you work part time if you are not a pensioner. You may also qualify for DLA yourself or AA depending on your age. I have found this out only recently The AA will give your parents £130 a week I think for two, and if that is topped up and you have the carer's allowance you can decide yourself what type of help you want.The S>S> will only provide what the can, not neccessarily what you want. I am just saying what I have been told, because I did not realise what a minefield we live in now.

By Cadge

Re: Time for residential care?
Tue 8 May 2007 12:55

Hi lizbeth, I am in a similar position. I had started off by writing a long missive detailing my situation, when I realised it all makes no difference - we all feel guilty, but I think we should all remember that we are entitled to a life of our own as well. If your situation is such that you can put your parent in a home that you are happy with, I for one would say that you should do so without any feelings of guilt at all. After all, they are Not prison camps.

By lizbeth

Re: Time for residential care?
Tue 8 May 2007 21:48

Hi all, thanks for your comments. My situation has changed again, my mum had a mini-stroke last night and is now hospitalised again. Think the decision about whether she should be in residential care is about to be taken out of my hands. Have phoned my dad's doctor and explained the situation. He has been offered, and refused, care for himself before, and the care he currently has, which comes via my mum will disappear. Doctor has decided to assess him to see if he can be made to accept care. I hope they succeed - he is so frail. It's all too sad, when my mum is there he can't cope and knows it. Now she's in hospital all he can think about is getting her back. Liz

By mag

Re: Time for residential care?
Wed 9 May 2007 14:31

Hello Liz

Sorry to hear that your mum is in hospital again. As you say, the decision is taken out of your hands as their needs dictate what is necessary.

I can understand your great sadness on behalf of your mum and dad at this time - it's so very hard for you to cope with all this. There will come a more settled time, hopefully before very long, when you will begin to come to terms with the necessary changes. Until then, Liz, do take comfort in the knowledge that you are doing all you can in loving and caring for your parents.

Kind regards - Mag