Discussion Boards I care for...
My Lovely Mum
- By Pat
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Thu 29 Jun 2006 13:44
Until the end of Jan this year, I have cared for my Mum - now 89 - for 5 years, following the death of Dad. Mum gradually got less and less mobile and more difficult to care for. She attended day care at a Care Home near to my work and, due to the pressure of trying to work and care for her, I became very depressed and my partner of 20 years and I started arguing (something we never normally do). Anyway, being rather scared of losing him, and recognising that my health was becoming compromised, a room became available at the Care Home for Mum to go in as a full time resident. My sisters advised it was the right thing to do, even though I always said I would never put Mum in a home. End of Jan Mum went in for a trial 5 week period, after which she was unhappy, I was unhappy (even though the Care Home is one of the better ones) and arrangements were made for her to come home to us. At the last minute, I bottled it. I think I had a mini break-down. Mum became ill with a bug which lasted for 3 weeks and we nearly lost her. Since then, she has become more and more frail, had 3 falls, and had to be catheterised. I spend so much time with her at the Home, the rest of the residents think I work there. I just can't bear to leave her. I have now been given a date for an operation which I need, end of September. This will mean a week's stay in hospital, followed by no lifting, or strain for at least 3 months, full recovery hopefully within 6 months. I am now so desperate to get Mum home as I am terrified she will become ill again and die in the Home. My partner would prefer her to stay in the Home, as would my family, but they have accepted my worries for Mum. I just want to bring her home and care for her, but I don't know what to do about my own health situation. I have gone through the motions of bringing her home - contacting Social Services to see what help I could get, quotes for stair-lifts, new bed etc, and it will really just be my decision to give the Home a month's notice and bring her home. I am just frightened I won't cope I suppose. I know in my heart of hearts I will fight like a tiger to do anything to protect Mum, but I suppose it is fear of the unknown. I am taking each day as it comes and monitoring her condition in the Home carefully, I guess getting nearer the date for my operation in the hopes she will be OK in there until I am recovered myself. However, if anything happened to her in the meantime, I don't think I could live with the guilt of leaving her in there and putting myself before her. This is a real 'thing' with me and it is taking over my life. I cannot think of anything other than the decisions I have to make which could affect another person's life. What would you do?
Replies
- By CHERYL THE PERIL
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Re: My Lovely Mum
Thu 29 Jun 2006 15:32Hi Pat
Sorry to hear of your situation. I to am a Carer for my Mum she is 85. She has lived with me and my husband for the past 6 years.
In common with you I have some health problems creeping up on me. And I worry a lot about what would happen to Mum if I could no longer look after her. So I do really understand where your coming from.
As regards advice thats really difficult. Its very difficult to hand over the care, and responsability of care to someone else, That I think is the main reason that Carers struggle on with caring, often way beyond the time that we should stop for the sake of our own health and relationships.
If you decide to leave your Mum at the home the one comfort that I can offer you is that having worked at care home in the past myself, the staff I worked with did do their best for the people. And when mum has gone into respite care I found the staff very good and she was full of praises for them herself. Also if you do decide for your Mum to stay at the home , I really don't think you should feel guilty about that decission. I am suer your Mum wouldn't want you to torture yourself with feelings of guilt and failure. And you really do have to consider yourself and your family and partner.
If you decide to bring her home perhaps it would be better to plan that for after your op, or ask if your op could be brought forward? And try and get as much help and support as possible.
It's not my advise, exactly but my feeling going on what you have written is that it would probably be best for your Mum stay in residential care as it sounds as if she would need even more care than when she was living with you before.
I do hope that I haven't hurt your feelings or made matters worse for you by telling you that. If I have, my sincere apologies, I do really feel for you, I know if it was me I would be agonising over it and feeling bad about thinkung about myself. But , it is also about whats best for your Mum, and your family and partner.
Pat you are in my thoughts and prays, I hope every thing works out ok for you.
Love and Best Wishes Cheryl xxx
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By Nickno
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Re: My Lovely Mum
Thu 29 Jun 2006 15:41Dear Pat
It does sound like you are in a real emotional predicament, which I'm sure a lot of other carers on these boards can relate to. It is difficult for you to reconcile your family's concern with your health with your own priority for your Mum's wellbeing.
Ultimately though you will be of no help to anyone, least of all your Mum, if you over-exert yourself and end up damaging yourself further. It is crucial that you make sure that you are well enough to provide the sort of care your Mum may need, but you should also consider the feelings of those around you before making a decision.
I hope everything works out Pat; you have already been a tremendous support to your mother, and you should acknowledge that within yourself and not feel guilt or shame whatever decisions you have to make,
All the best,
Nick
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By jayne
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Re: My Lovely Mum
Thu 29 Jun 2006 19:21Dear Pat - I agree with the responses above but I guess that doesnt really help does it because we cant really advise you which way to go? You clearly love your mum very much and have cared for her both in your own home and beyond. You are clearly rapped with guilt about this decision but I would like to pick up on something you have said. You mums care needs have changed a lot since she was at home with you .... even without the issue of your forthcoming operation, do you think you would be able to cope? And your family? In an ideal world you would be set up with a fully supportive care package - but reading through some of the postings on this site this doesnt seem to happen - you should consider that also.
You mum is lucky to have someone who loves her so much .. which I am sure she knows .. wherever she lives.
Take care,
Jayne
- By Pat
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Re: My Lovely Mum
Fri 30 Jun 2006 16:22Thank you to everyone for your kind support. I am feeling particularly low at the moment with all this in my head. I have been looking at private care agencies to provide a sitter for Mum, which could allow me to carry on at work. I had considered giving up work altogether, but don't know if that would be emotionally the right thing to do. My employers have offered the opportunity of working from home for a while should Mum come back, but ultimately it would mean me returning to a normal work situation sometime. I think the problem before was that I was feeling so trapped by caring for Mum 24 x 7. We actually had no social life. Mind you, as I am spending so much time with her now, we hardly see each other anyway. I suppose I just love her too much. I always promised my Dad I would look after Mum and I always will. But I am so sad without her. I don't want her to end up being sent off to a Nursing Home, if she is going to die - as of course we all will - I would rather she was in her own bed at home with me. Mum has short term memory loss and is very vulnerable. I think she sees me as a sort of Dad substitute and only feels safe when I am around. That is a huge responsibility to bear and, no, if she wasn't old and frightened, she would definitely not want me to make sacrifices for her. The trouble is, my op isn't a life-saving one, and the temptation is to cancel it. Mind you, the problem is one of the main causes of my depression, something I have lived with for so long now. I just feel so sad and, I must admit, pretty lonely at the moment. How on earth do people with no family cope? I suppose I am very lucky, and far too soft-hearted! But it is so difficult when it is someone you love so much.
- By CHERYL THE PERIL
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Re: My Lovely Mum
Sun 2 Jul 2006 11:39Hello Again Pat
Your second post sounds a lot more positive about finding solutions etc. Although you essentially still have the same problems you don't seem to be quite so over whelmed by them.
Pat you can be assured of finding someone to listento your woes and worries on this site. I have found it an absolute life line to be able to talk to people who understand, and don't dismiss our fears and concerns. Its been a great help particularly as I don't have any brothers or sisters to talk to or share the responsability with. I think it always helps to talk and get different perpectives on a problem.
My Father died of lung cancer 16 years ago he was very worried about how my Mother would cope after he was gone. He asked me many many times to look after her etc. The promise I made to him as always been in my mind, and I have been glad and proud that I have been able, with the support of my husband to be able to take care of her. He has been a great help and a marvelous emotional support to me. Often I have felt so frustrated that dispite all the care Mums health has slowly got worse over time. I feel really choked seeing her getting slower and slower and having more and more difficulty just walking about. Very hard to accept.
I'm glad too that your employers are being supprtive of your situation. At least it givesyou a bit of breathing space to find additional care support
I hope all goes well for you and your family.
Take care, Love and Best Wishes Cheryl x
- By mary46
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Re: My Lovely Mum
Sun 2 Jul 2006 20:13hi there i am mary,i cared for my mum for 5 years she had dementhia and sadly died because of it,i miss her so much but have never had the time to grieve for her as i continue to look after my dad he is nearly 85 but has never accepted her condition of what she had, he is getting frail and needs more help daily, and supervision because of falls etc. as for me i feel daily iccolated and i suffer panic attacks because im so caught up in the system we get no help and its suffocating at times i want to come into chat but cant seem to access it please can somone help x love mary