John's story
John has been caring for his partner since she suffered a breakdown two years ago.
I first met my partner when she was working as a hospital portering assistant and was attracted by her cheerful personality and forthright nature. It was in November 2005 that she first fell ill, quite dramatically. She had a breakdown and ran away to 'live rough' in Brighton, although she was located the next day by the police. When this happened I was left feeling guilty and wondered what I had done wrong.
Now I keep my mobile on at work in case she experiences a crisis and also make several calls throughout the day to make sure she is okay. The only immediate family near us is my partner's sister and her family, who have a young family of their own to tend to and my partner would not be willing to have strangers caring for her. This means I don't have any respite, but when she takes her medication consistently, things calm down and I can take a breather.
The main casualty in our relationship has been trust. My partner often thinks that my concerns, although innocent, are a just way for me to get her into hospital. I often find myself questioning things like ‘has she taken her medication?’ or 'is she about to run away/attempt to take her own life'? There have also been times when members of my family have felt that there is nothing wrong with my partner; that she is only attention seeking. This has been hurtful, maybe even offensive at times.
Obviously my partner is no longer able to work and relies on benefits and I am unable to work extra hours due to my domestic obligations. All this has had a dramatic impact on our finances. In order to cope, I have had to put our unsecured debts onto a debt management plan and to budget the finances very carefully each month in order to meet priority bills.
My health has also suffered due to the pressures of caring; I suffer bouts of depression diagnosed as secondary to my partner's illness, which has caused me to take time off work.
When my partner first became ill I consulted my GP for loss of sleep and was referred to my local Carers' Centre. I must confess to feeling rather nervous on that first contact, although I have found that having someone there to talk through the more difficult moments was a lifeline. The support and advice has always been practical and realistic.
If I could change anything it would be peoples’ perceptions of mental illness. Mental health is still a taboo subject. People seem to have this (unfounded) fear of mental illness because of badly made films and no experience on a personal basis.
Mental illness is no scarier than any physical illness. If you break a bone for example you see a specialist who puts on a cast to allow it to repair. If you have a breakdown you see a specialist who identifies the cause and provides medication to help the mind repair itself.
My partner has always wanted to be a teaching assistant. Since she has had her medication changed she has been much more focused on this and is attending courses to gain the necessary qualifications. My hopes for the future are that she will be able to realise that ambition; then all the sleepless nights would have been worthwhile.
