Thanks Wendy. I hear that it can be lonely when there are lots of people with you..it is probably the concept of Christmas and all its promises that hurts. Its that old adage..reduce your expectations to meet your reality and you won't feel sad. Right now I am screaming at Neil...seems wrong on all levels except he is fine now and I am suffering the loss of him so badly. Loneliness is hard. It is harder when your sons are Autistic as you are all alienated.
Maybe if we lived somewhere lovely then we could draw positive energy from the place to compensate somewhat for the loss? Its all we have to draw on..spiritual energy. I agree about ready meals or at least meals that dont require too much effort. Last year I was still in the initial shock which lasted about 16 months..too numb to feel the full impact because even the amount I allowed myself to feel was too much. We survived with buying nice easy food...staying up until the early hours [which we are doing again now...4am last night] and sleeping until nearly lunchtime and then going to a restaurant which was expensive and sad..and then going and sitting next to Mum in her care home..we cant chat as she is so far away in her mind but just having my Mum physically became a necessity. Recently she has been the first with me in spirit when I meet spiritual people who can see and hear her..also my Dad's Dad who passed when I was a baby..he had two major strokes and was partially paralysed....he is there too except I cannot see or touch them. I feel the need to start interfacing with our local church..they set up a weekly coffee afternoon and monthly support group for the bereaved linking with a lovely lady from Stibbards ..the funeral people who took care of Dad and Neil. They are also starting discussion groups so you can discuss your beliefs which will help I think. I can draw some support from that. But Ali has nothing meaningful here..the learning disability services are totally lacking in quality and good energy. SS seem incapable of caring at all.
Loneliness is hard. It is harder when your sons are Autistic as you are all alienated. The normal avenues of deisolating yourself are blocked. I wonder why I ahve to feel this way but I struggle to see how not to. I end up placing my mind in a different place to cope and that in turn makes me more isolated. It is when you meet the odd person who you feel understands and you can share moments of likemindedness with that you regain some optimism but the reality of a happy solution seems so far away still.
I saw the season of "Michaelmas" on a Museums catalogue I have just now and that was so much more calming than "Christmas"...where can I put my mind to discard the pressure it brings and enrich my soul??? Not easy in Essex on Sea!!