1. What can I do for Christmas???

    Posted by swissmiss at Sat Oct 13, 2012 4:13 am

    I cannot face another Christmas on our own...the loss of Neil is unbearable at that time of year. What can I do? I darent book a Christmas break at a hotel because people will be funny over Ali with his severe Autism. Has anyone got any ideas??? We need company but I dont know how to find it amongst tolerant people.
    Karen x :-)

  2. Re: What can I do for Christmas???

    Posted by wendy_m at Sat Oct 13, 2012 2:22 pm

    Hi,
    Is it possible that you could invite a friend who may be in a similar situation for Christmas Day, and then she may invite you back for Boxing Day.
    Or is it possible for you to do something really different, and buy ready meals then go out with the family for the day, to a park or somewhere that is special to all of you. Have your ready meal on the floor when you get back and open your pressies. :P
    Hope your day will be better than you expect. Christmas can be a really lonely time and full of memories, but it can also be lonely when there are lots of people with you. :D
    Wendy

  3. Re: What can I do for Christmas???

    Posted by swissmiss at Sat Oct 13, 2012 3:20 pm

    Thanks Wendy. I hear that it can be lonely when there are lots of people with you..it is probably the concept of Christmas and all its promises that hurts. Its that old adage..reduce your expectations to meet your reality and you won't feel sad. Right now I am screaming at Neil...seems wrong on all levels except he is fine now and I am suffering the loss of him so badly. Loneliness is hard. It is harder when your sons are Autistic as you are all alienated.
    Maybe if we lived somewhere lovely then we could draw positive energy from the place to compensate somewhat for the loss? Its all we have to draw on..spiritual energy. I agree about ready meals or at least meals that dont require too much effort. Last year I was still in the initial shock which lasted about 16 months..too numb to feel the full impact because even the amount I allowed myself to feel was too much. We survived with buying nice easy food...staying up until the early hours [which we are doing again now...4am last night] and sleeping until nearly lunchtime and then going to a restaurant which was expensive and sad..and then going and sitting next to Mum in her care home..we cant chat as she is so far away in her mind but just having my Mum physically became a necessity. Recently she has been the first with me in spirit when I meet spiritual people who can see and hear her..also my Dad's Dad who passed when I was a baby..he had two major strokes and was partially paralysed....he is there too except I cannot see or touch them. I feel the need to start interfacing with our local church..they set up a weekly coffee afternoon and monthly support group for the bereaved linking with a lovely lady from Stibbards ..the funeral people who took care of Dad and Neil. They are also starting discussion groups so you can discuss your beliefs which will help I think. I can draw some support from that. But Ali has nothing meaningful here..the learning disability services are totally lacking in quality and good energy. SS seem incapable of caring at all.
    Loneliness is hard. It is harder when your sons are Autistic as you are all alienated. The normal avenues of deisolating yourself are blocked. I wonder why I ahve to feel this way but I struggle to see how not to. I end up placing my mind in a different place to cope and that in turn makes me more isolated. It is when you meet the odd person who you feel understands and you can share moments of likemindedness with that you regain some optimism but the reality of a happy solution seems so far away still.
    I saw the season of "Michaelmas" on a Museums catalogue I have just now and that was so much more calming than "Christmas"...where can I put my mind to discard the pressure it brings and enrich my soul??? Not easy in Essex on Sea!!
    Thank-you
    Karen :)

  4. Re: What can I do for Christmas???

    Posted by suejane at Sat Oct 13, 2012 7:52 pm

    Hi Karen
    Although i am married Christmas. I is also a really lonely time for us and we also could do with some different ideas. Cian doesnt want anything to do with it, as we also have no family or friends to visit or them visit us and my hubbie just likes his meal then goes upstairs to listen to his music. wish we lived closer to you! I agree you could do different things, some good ideas in your reply which i too could think about. None of Cians activities are open.
    I think you could think about the ideas sent to you whilst also remembering Neil but hoping it wont overwhelm you. I focus on the moment. We dont put up many decorations we keep it all low key and just be together Cian and i .Big hugs xxxx

  5. Re: What can I do for Christmas???

    Posted by Flowerpower at Mon Oct 22, 2012 10:15 pm

    Hello Karen - it must be so hard for you. Here are some ideas which just came off the top of my head - they might be useless or they might be worth considering but at least you know someone is trying to help! ;)

    What about having a word with the Salvation Army - they usually provide meals for people on their own at Xmas. I am sure they would welcome you and your sons. You could offer to volunteer with serving lunches and just be totally honest and say you all need to get out of the house on Xmas Day and see what they suggest. I have a couple of friends who volunteer to do this and they say everyone has a great time and it's not at all like "Christmas Day in the Workhouse".

    Could you run to a few days away - I'm thinking maybe one of those lovely holiday villas where you self cater but still see people on the site.

    I will try and think of other ideas for you. :)

  6. Re: What can I do for Christmas???

    Posted by swissmiss at Wed Oct 24, 2012 12:34 am

    Thanks for thinking about us. We tried volunteering for Christmas Day last year and were told they get more volunteers then they can take!!!?? We cant bear to leave our cat at Christmas so he would have to come with us?! Christmas Day and Boxing Day are survivable because they are just tow days like a weekend and we can absorb ourselves in TV and just eat nice food and drink. Its the build up and people working thmselves up and then that interminable time afterwards until New Year is over. Its a case of trying to control my mind. Right now I am sitting with a heart monitor on for 3 days after a funny turn I had in the supermarket 3 weeks or so ago...I think its anxiety..I am having major panic attacks and when I am out and they hit I literally cannot walk with the chest pain and sudden headache. We need people to reach out to us but it doesnt happen..you know that feeling when people make you feel cared about..it takes tension away. I have simply had to learn to live with the tension but it takes its toll on my mind and body. I am starting to turn in on myself and literally have no confidence.
    Karen x
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