I met a friend in the Post Office recently who described my plea for help; to my own family, on Face Book, as ‘pathetic whining.’ I was shocked!
I have 8, 30 foot trees on the property with Dutch Elm disease and no money for a tree surgeon or competent, willing, family members who were prepared to give me a hand. I asked my boys to help drag some branches to the bonfire, but they just blanked me. In the end I picked up the chainsaw and felled them myself. To their credit once they saw me working most of them pitched in, but the aches and pains are still with me days later and the jobs still not finished. Being rural, I’m pretty self-sufficient, but on top of everything else I do, I’m not sure whether I’m coming or going.
This last year has been truly stressful. An angry and abusive teenager who’s frustrations overspills at the drop of a hat, an older boy who needs constant reassurance, another who’s isolated and absorbed and the fourth who’s scared and only just becoming aware of the disparity between his knowledge and his ability to demonstrate it. Every day is a cycle of bouncing from one needy individual to the next and trying to maintain some degree of normality and perspective. I’ve even managed to miss appointments this week in my dizzy stupor.
I’m trying; very badly, to get a small business off the ground to improve our financial situation and give me an outside interest, but looking after the family and juggling my caring demands is so difficult. When asked by a customer recently if I found it difficult, I just replied, ‘I have to take one day at a time.’ I was desperate to say I feel like I’m drowning, but that wouldn’t have been professional, would it?
And this is where the isolation begins. Prevented from communicating with members of my family because of their Aspergers, misunderstood on Facebook so you no longer post statuses, minimizing your predicament to save face in your work. The slippery slope of ‘keeping mum’ and plodding on in silence.
The relentless treadmill of early mornings and staggered sleep patterns is taking its toll. As I mentioned my tiredness, one friend told me that certain members of my family need to ‘snap out of it,’ Like Aspergers is condition of laziness rather than a social communication disorder. How do you deal with that degree of ignorance and prejudice?
I’ve some accounts to prepare for my accountant and no means of paying him. I borrow from Peter, to pay Paul every week knowing full well one day even Peter won’t have anything more to give. I’m dog tired, despite making a real effort this year to spend some quality time with my family doing more enjoyable things.
After my first ever respite last November I vowed I’d take a break again to prevent me becoming ill and here I sit with another lung infection wondering when I could spare the time or indeed find the money for a couple of days rest.
I love my kids and my husband with all my heart and I really don’t mean to moan, but with no one truly understanding what a day in the life of me entails, where can I let off steam?
Its time for a break, time to recharge the batteries and time to heal again.