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I care for my Wife

Posted by Alunjones at Sun Sep 23, 2012 2:12 pm

Hi, new here, met my wife 6 years ago, she has had MD for 30 years the last 15 she has been in a wheelchair. Before we met she had carers to help around the house and assist her getting ready for work, she managed all her personal stuff herself, a lot of effort but she managed. She was in full time work and I became self employed, moved 200 miles to be with her. We had a great time, lots of laughs, similar tastes in everything going out meeting friends, the physical side we overcame very easily and I had no misconceptions about her disabilities or caring for her. She was very independent up until voluntary redundancies at work, she opted for it as her ability to do the job was becoming more difficult anyway. However it meant my role as carer was increased and my ability to work during the day was more restricted so I became her full time carer, I have no problem with this role its just stuff that needs to be done, I didn't mind housework, cooking I love, and helping her with personal things was fine too, we had a good relationship it was fun. But she changed, became more and more of a recluse, nothing moody just decided she didn't like the city anymore and when an opportunity came up to move to the country and be near her mum we took it. Small village, open country, a dog, chickens and veg patch, what more could you want!!!!! Well 2 years ago she decided her libido had gone so that was it, she likes to hibernate in winter(and most of summer too) spends more time in bed than up, and I can't be away from her more than 2 hours which means its just shopping trips for my excitement. I do absolutely everything for her now including housework and garden 24/7, she won't let anyone tend to her personal hygiene but me, and she doesn't think its a problem. Have tried the talking but ends up screaming, others have tried too but nothing changes, its not her disability its her personality and attitude thats the problem and she won't see it, she lives in a bubble and I am always in the wrong, not suggesting I'm a saint either. My life here is great, the location, dog , chickens, garden are all what I enjoy but I miss the relationship and the physical side too as I am a tactile person. I do love her and won't leave her, just need to vent occasionally and not feel so guilty, but the loneliness,lack of physical contact and adult conversation gets me down sometimes. Not looking for answers, I know all the options and all the scenarios(go thru them in my head all the time), just hoping to find someone in similar circumstance to have a moan and share.
Apologies for length, still not enough as I'm sure you all know full well.........cheers
Re: I care for my Wife

Posted by Jennifer 1 at Sun Oct 14, 2012 6:51 pm

Hi, I dont understand why you have not been answered,its not like it on here.Sounds to me like you have been doing a very dedicated and loving job.Also it sounds to me you could do with a break,and yes perhaps she could too.I know also it is very hard for our loved ones to except this,and for carers to give it a try.
As much as you understand her situation and problems,she has got to try and understand yours,but easier said than done,I know.
Please come back and chat,and let us know how things are going,the site is here for you as it is everyone.
Love Jenni x
Re: I care for my Wife

Posted by lynba2 at Sun Oct 14, 2012 10:16 pm

hi allun just read your message i wouldnt mind chatting to you anytime im not in the same situation as you but i was up until a few months ago i was with someone that has ms but i also have a son with c p who lives with me so we can have a moan together anytime lyn
Re: I care for my Wife

Posted by Alunjones at Fri Oct 19, 2012 1:43 pm

Thanks guys was beginning to think it was something I said lol. Will get back too you both.
Re: I care for my Wife

Posted by roggles at Fri Oct 19, 2012 5:44 pm

Hi Alun
I am so pleased that i found your post, i have been sat here all day trying to broach this very subject.
I have been caring for my wife for 11 years now after she suffered a stroke.
Before her stroke were swingers so we had an extreamly active sex life, it was sometime before we tried sex as San cant use her left arm or leg but when we did it was uncomfortable for her, we tried allsorts but to no avail and pretty soon it became obviose that she was no longer interested in that side of our relationship, so for the last 8 years i have slept downstairs.
Like you i would never leave san, i love her to bits and she needs me but being needed isnt allways enough we all need to be wanted, its not just sex its plain simple affection , san can be a bitch and after 11 years the phrases "its not her its the stroke" "she cant help it" and " it must be frustrating for her" fall very short of an excuss, she has alienated our son, our daughter often asks me "how/why do you put up with it".
Im ex army so big on loyalty and family, no im no saint yes i have sinned, then have to deal with that guilt too, its 2 years since my last offence.
So now i know that i am indeed not alone cheers mate.
Re: I care for my Wife

Posted by Jennifer 1 at Fri Oct 19, 2012 10:05 pm

Are you saying you have slept down stairs cos she has not wanted sex.That surely cuts of any other effection.
Sorry if I am miss reading your point.
Or is it you have unfaithfull in the past that this has hurt her so much,she cant or has not been able to respond.
Re: I care for my Wife

Posted by swissmiss at Fri Oct 19, 2012 11:17 pm

Hi everyone
I think it can be different for men than women. After my husband became Paraplegic he never came to terms with not being able to have an erection.. the problem was that even if he used methods available to have an erection...vacuum, viagra or injection...it wasnt spontaneous and he couldnt feel anything so it wasnt love making and wasnt therefore pleasurable for me and although he felt the need to be a proper husband it caused him pain..the difference though for me as a woman was that I didnt mind...being affectionate was enough. For him it was about not being a proper man. I think being affectionate is important but can be stressful if you feel that you are not giving enough to your partner and if you lack sensation in some areas it can feel weird and in some cases cause referred pain or discomfort. One solution might be to talk to a sex therapist or at least a relationship counsellor? I am intrigued by the feelings you have Roggles having had swinging sex with your wife in the past...does she mind now if you have sex with someone else??? Apart from the issues surrounding disability I have heard only this week that many women go off sex later in life and some say they wouldnt mind if their husbands looked for sex elsewhere..so long as it is just sex and not a relationship. It would bother me but perhaps if it was discussed and open it wouldnt matter and it might take the pressure out of the situation for both of you? Otherwise I suppose theres always masturbation!!! It works for me...I cannot imagine ever being with another man but that is my relationship with my man who I will always love even though he is now in spirit.
Apart from sex though it is normal for the partner being cared for to feel guilty for the effect their disability has on their partner and at the same time frustration for themselves. I wish we had been able to get help through counselling but my husband would never consider it either for our relationship for his mental health.I have had counselling galore since he went and it is a case of finding the right counsellor for you and your needs. Also I think it helps if at least once a week you each have some time away from each other with other people so that you can talk about different experiences and clear your heads..even if its by going to the same place and talking to different people. You need to feel cared about by others..it helps.
Karen
Re: I care for my Wife

Posted by Alunjones at Mon Oct 22, 2012 4:52 pm

Hi All
Thanks for the comments, sex is always going to be a problem when 2 people are involved I suppose, I don't think it is necessarily a "man" thing to want sex after 50, I mean I could have another 50 years to go and would like to have some naked fun up to the end, so to speak lol. I believe that sex includes affection and is not separate, there is affection all the time, the smile the touch the hug or cuddle and sometimes it can lead to sex what ever form that takes, and thats how I feel, I haven't stopped cuddling or hugging but the brakes are on for anything more because she has decided, even though she is physically capable. I doubt a sex therapist will help because that would require her to be interested at least in looking for a resolution which she is not. Yes masturbation does play a part, but it is no substitute and there is no affection involved its just a means to an end and quite frankly there is only so many times you can excited with pictures.
The problem is I am no longer close to my wife, I am a very tactile person and need to express myself with touch and I can't do that anymore, it maybe alright for most women of a certain age to think they don't mind but do you not miss the closeness of physical touch.

Depressed now
Re: I care for my Wife

Posted by swissmiss at Mon Oct 22, 2012 7:42 pm

With anything in life all you can do is change it or adjust your thinking to acommodate it.
Re: I care for my Wife

Posted by Randy at Fri Mar 22, 2013 1:18 pm

Thank you so much for posting this topic! I have been searching for years for a carer's forum open enough to deal with such topics to no avail. Most all that I have encountered seemed too reserved or conservative to discuss sexual issues between carers and their partners. Others resorted to euphemisms, as if such topics were too embarrassing to discuss. Thus, I was left with the impression that this was a dark, personal secret to be suffered in silence. However, after reading your post and its subsequent replies, I realized that 1) I'm not alone in this and 2) there are individuals out there willing to openly discuss these "sensitive" issues.

I, too, care for my wife, Vix, who suffers from Multiple Sclerosis. I moved to the UK from Florida some 12 years ago to be with her, us having met in a distributed computing forum on-line. We married four years later, after our divorces were finalised, so what began as a sordid internet affair ended happily in marriage. And, yes, I was well aware of her MS when I moved here, since we'd spent the best part of a year chatting on-line before I became brave enough to get a passport and make my way 5,000 miles "across the pond" for a face-to-face visit.

Like roggles, we were (are) swingers (I say "(are)" because she's still a very sexual person, still shamelessly flirting with multiple guys on-line, but, although her attitude toward sex hasn't changed since we've met, her body doesn't always respond to what her brain is telling her any more). But our historically high frequency of sex, although sorely missed, is not my primary issue. Perhaps I should save that for another post, though, once I've assembled my thoughts.

For now, I just wanted to thank you for bringing up this issue and, in doing so, giving me the confidence to share my own. It is because of your post that I joined this forum...

Big Hugs,
~Randy! :~)