I feel I failed Neil but given the lack of response from the mental health team and the emergency teams when he was trying to take his life I dont know how I could have saved him.I am worried that Ali has inherited Neil's mental health problems. He can be up one minute, relaxed and clam as can be and smiling, and plummet within 60 seconds to the point of punching himself repeatedly in the face..
I hve been to our Gp twice this week to ask for help...two different GPs. The first said that there is plenty of support for carers out there so you need to go and access it! The second was argumentative...pulling letters up on her screen from the psychiatrist and randomly quoting bits at me to imply that I havent been giving him precribed medication despite the fact that the tamazepam doesnt wotk which had told them. I have been using melatonin to help him sleep...it works...the manageress of the respite home says that they have had it for clients and it is the best in her opinion...you can buy it over the counter in the US but here the GP said only a hospital doctor could prescribe and yet I bought it online from the detox people who Kerry recommended!
So I asked her what she suggested I do to calm him as we had had 48 hours of really bad anger and self harm with him. She offered tamazepam...huh, did I say it doesnt work? She really was antagonistic so I told her that if I didnt get proper help then suicide would be the onlyl option I would have left.
I came out fuming. Angus drove round in circles not knowing where to go next so he made a decision to take us to Tomassis for a meal. My phone rang so i turned it off..I really didnt want to talk to anyone at that moment. Then we went to a 24 hour pharmacy to see if they coud;l sell us melatonin...no. Ali started up again so I held him in the back of the car and we drove to A&E. I turned my phone on and there was a message to ring the police?! I turned it off then I thought I had better ring them and within minutes two police officers arrived. By this time it turned out the local WPC who had supported me in January when I could get any help from the NHS or SS had phoned JIm [the angel of Shoeburyness who is 79 and who has been my rock since losing Dad and Neil] and had searched the house! Oh well...
Anyway they stayed with me till we got some help...one thing is they make sure the NHs dont palm me off again. So he has an emergency bed in the care home he went to last week...made up in the activity room wih his own flat screen TV on the wall...for the weekend and he can stay there in the normal respite bed next week.
Why? Why does he not want to stay at home...but then I cannot give him round the clock awake which they can...he can sit and watch TV till 4am or whenever and fresh staff come on duty periodically to pander to his needs!
I f he has Neil's bipolarish mind then I fear he will kill himself one day because he hasnt got the neurotypical mind to try and deal with it and even then thats what Neil did in the end.
Oddly I was thinking recently that he probably has but that Angus seems to be OK. Ali looks like Neil too. Angus seems more like my Dad. Then Neil said to Angus in a spiritual reading that he is OK because he is more like me...they read our minds , what we are thinking...they see what we are doing...and comment on it in messages all the time!
I will have to try and get him properly diagnosed and the help he needs but I dont know where or how! ?
Thanks for your support everyone...much appreciated and needed.