1. I have reached rock bottom and need help

    Posted by Serendipity at Wed Nov 02, 2011 1:07 pm

    Hi, I am new to this too, but I have found myself in a situation where I dont know what to do! So here it goes - after a very awful and traumatic childhood (induced by my father) I have over the past 6 years been taking food supplies to my Dad on a weekly basis as he is unable to do this for himself. This is split between my Mom and I (they divorced 30 years ago) and is an hour travelling plus the time spent with him. My Dad after we left filled every room in the house from floor to ceiling with rubbish and useless items. My Mom and I have been over to clear his house on several occasions to restore it to a habitable condition. However, he has continued to re-fill everywhere and it has been so demoralising to see this happen again. Before he was unwell he was a Jekyll and Hyde character and we have always trodden on egg shells.
    His health has really deteriated and he has always refused to answer to door, had his gas supply removed years ago so that no one goes into the house, he lives like a hermit and the only people that see him are my Mom or me on a weekly basis. He was a very well kept man until about 3 years ago and now is very frail, has lost half his body weight, has chronic emphysema and also now frequent memory loss. He is a very intelligent man and still has the ability to frighten us; but can also be nice on other occasions too.
    He also has said that he wishes to die in his own home and will refuse entry to anyone from the professional services. Lately I find myself heaving on entering the house as the dining room in which he lives is covered in loose skin, is covered with empty cardboard boxes/food containers from micro meals and stinks of faeces. His hair has grown so much and he has a long beard, his toenails and finger nails are excessively long and are now starting to curl; he reminds me of the late Mr Edmund Trebus from the TV series The life of grime.
    This sounds horrendous doesn’t it, like I am neglecting him, but he will not allow us to help him with this! He will not allow us to contact the Dr and on the occasion that we did confide in the Dr, (whose practice knew of his violent behaviour whilst we lived there) The Dr contacted my Dad and told him of the conversation and comments that we had made! This could have had dire consequences to us!
    I also have 4 daughters to take care of and various animals including rescue horses. I too suffer with severe depression and my mother is in the early stages of recovering from post traumatic stress, where she too lost her memory severely for 2 years and had to live with me and my family.
    My ideal wish is that he dies with dignity regardless of the life we have endured with him, but I am scared that by contact social services that the events that follow will kill him. I just hate to see my Dad in this environment.
    I know this is a very long essay; I really can’t shorten it anymore than I have as I have missed out so much already! I just hope there is someone that knows what I am feeling and how this is breaking me.

  2. Re: I have reached rock bottom and need help

    Posted by Serendipity at Wed Nov 02, 2011 8:28 pm

    I guess that this is the wrong site for me! :cry:

  3. Re: I have reached rock bottom and need help

    Posted by hay2 at Wed Nov 02, 2011 9:32 pm

    :) hi i understand that it must be hard when your dad wants to stay in his own home but if he is living so badly it might be best to contact someone and get help especially as you are not to well yourself and have a family i have had a bad time recently where i had just had enough and could take no more i too have selfish/domineering family member who i care for but i have just had to try and step back and get a bit of help they hate it and make me feel bad for doing it but i need it there is a chat room on here most people dont go in until around 10pm maybe you could trying that theres always one or two people in and even if they cannot understand your circumstances you can always have a chat so you dont feel so alone best wishes hay x

  4. Re: I have reached rock bottom and need help

    Posted by Suziemoon at Thu Nov 03, 2011 12:17 am

    It sounds as if you and your mum are doing the best that you can in a horrid situation and it is completely draining. I wish I had words of wisdom or advice but all I can do is lend you some moral support. You are not alone. Caring for another can be hard and caring for someone who refuses to help care for themselves is exhausting. I really feel for you but you are not alone. Use this place to vent as much as you need. I may not post much but just the exercise of getting my thoughts out of my head and onto my screen helps me to deal with my frustration.
    Thinking of you. Xx

  5. Re: I have reached rock bottom and need help

    Posted by Serendipity at Thu Nov 03, 2011 7:45 am

    Thank you both for your kind response, it has really helped me. I am comforted that there is people that actually understand how hard it is, but this also saddens me as I hate the thought that others are feeling like this too. I am here for you too, if I can be of help :D xx

  6. Re: I have reached rock bottom and need help

    Posted by mama pud at Thu Nov 03, 2011 8:35 am

    Good Morning Serendipity,

    Please accept a big hug from me (((hugs))) - you are certainly in a daunting situation, and I do understand that you have spoken to your father's doctor about this.

    I have been wondering what could help your situation - how about telling your own doctor about it, maybe that would be the way to start the ball rolling. It is not your fault that your dad will not let you help him in certain ways - you are willing to, and have tried to. Some illnesses are too big/strong for us carers to fight.

    Also have you had a carer's assessment - that may be a way to get help for your father too.

    The trouble is, if he refuses, there is not too much you can do. You are doing all that you possibly can, so don't upset yourself that you are not doing it properly, you are doing all that you can.

    Just make sure that you have let the relevant authorites know your dad's situation, and that you have tried all avenues to help your father, and maybe they can step in and put some sort of help in place.

    I really do feel for you, and hope we can 'talk' more in the future.

    This chat form is a great help, and you know you are not alone.

    Kindest wishes,

    Rosy xxx

  7. Re: I have reached rock bottom and need help

    Posted by Serendipity at Tue Nov 08, 2011 10:05 pm

    Thank you Rosy, I have taken onboard everything you have said and will use those ideas when possible. I haven't had a carers assessment done as again He will not speak to anyone, but I think matters will be taken from him soon. Which will be awful to be a part of, but needs must. As a human being he is entitled to care, if he wants it or not. If it means that I have to walk away knowing that he is receiving it then it will have to be that way :( I dont want to do this, but I love my Dad and want him to have dignity at the end of his life.

  8. Re: I have reached rock bottom and need help

    Posted by suejane at Wed Nov 09, 2011 10:52 am

    Hi there. I too send you my best wishes.I am recieving treatment for Post traumatic stress disorder and i really feel for your mum and for you.Unlike you i feel nothing for the person responsible but i can understand that you wish your dad a dignified end and i hope you will manage to achieve this so that you both have closure. Good luck to you all xxx
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