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Am I lonely or just selfish

Posted by john101 at Sat Sep 03, 2011 3:31 pm

Hi There

Let me introduce myself to the forum. My name is John I live with my partner of 23yrs and our two children 13 and 11.

My partner had a stroke some 10yrs ago when the children were just babies the doctors said because of her age she would probably make a full recovery,no such luck from then on it's been downhill all the way.

I was self employed and time being off work meant no pay, things were really difficult and the debts and mortgage arrears were getting out of control, inbetween all this my son was playing up at school. Something wasn't right, after four years of hell he was eventually diagnosed as having aspergers syndrome (a form of autism).

My partner was getting worse her mobility was poor and she was in constant pain and started falling on a regular basis it was getting more and more difficult to get out to work. I got no help whatsoever from the social services because I WORKED. eventually my house was repossessed I was in tears nowhere to go and no one to turn to. Everything we built up all our working lives was crumbling before our eyes. The local council said they would put us in a homeless unit, no way. I sold everything I could, even down to some of the kids toys. I got enough money for a deposit on a private let. We always wanted to retire to the countryside so we got a cottage on a country estate thinking at least we would be happy in our surroundings. The kids settled in quite well my son loved it but my daughter was finding village life difficult but three years later she's settled well and my son with support and the small village school has come on well.

I contacted a local voluntary family help group and they have been brilliant sorting out my benefits, rent and council tax payments etc. A point I'd like to make is why would social services not help when I was was working but now they pay my rent etc. The country estate I live in is owned by royalty, so they will pay it to one of the richest men in the country but woudn't help me with my mortgage.

Anyway thats my basic story, now i'm a full time carer to my patner and my son I find that i'm lonely, the cottage is quite isolated so I dont see anyone except the postman for weeks on end I cant leave my partner for too long on her own I definately cant leaxve her with our son she cant handle him. "Am I JUST BEING SELFISH" I would love to here peoples thoughts. If I sound like i'm moaning I apologise I'm sure there is people in a worse situation.
Re: Am I lonely or just selfish

Posted by meg mackenzie at Sat Sep 03, 2011 3:51 pm

Hello John and welcome to the forum from me.

I live in the most northerly county in Britain in a town, but with the seaside a few minutes walk away and the countryside a few miles in the car, so have the best of both worlds. I used to live in Edinburgh in a high rise 17 flights up before we retired here to care for my elderly parents prior to mum`s death in 2006. Trust me it is just as easy to be a carer in isolation wherever you are. You will make good friends here and learn a lot about other folks lives.

My great nephew is autistic and a handful, so I know just where you are coming from.

You are doing a marvelous job, the system is all wrong, but we carers just plod on regardless doing the best we can in a bad situation. You aren`t a moaner, just saying it as it is.........I take my carers hat off to you..............wearing my domestic goddess one underneath though. Must be able to multitask here.

Take care
Meg
Re: Am I lonely or just selfish

Posted by mama pud at Sat Sep 03, 2011 4:23 pm

Hello John,

A warm welcome to you.

It sounds as though you are doing a brilliant job, with a lot on your plate.

I think your feelings are completely understandable, if you are anything like me, you plod on while sometimes thinking "what about ME".

I care for my mum who has parkinsons disease, dementia through parkinsons, cataracts and arthritis. Of all of these, the dementia is the very hardest thing to cope with. To be fair, we have had offers of respite from social services, but mum has refused it, she also refuses to have anyone in to help care for her.

Thankfully I have a hubby who is a great help, without him I know I couldn't do it.

It sounds very much as though this site would be very good for you, you can 'talk' to like-minded people which really do understand. I bet you have been missing adult contact, and you will find both men and women on here who are in similar situations.

Hope to talk to you again soon,

Kind regards,

Rosy
Re: Am I lonely or just selfish

Posted by suejane at Sat Sep 03, 2011 10:08 pm

Hello John and welcome. I live in a city caring for my son and i have anew husband , well 10 years, son is aged 20 and sports mad.My husband is not the easiest bless him and i often feel lonely but here i have found friends and this will help you too. Are there any so called country pursuits you enjoy? Do you have agarden, also how much help for your son?Would it be worth you looking for a carers group somwhere. No you arent being selfish you probably need more help, so could you ring Crossroads Care in your area? Best wishes and we are afriendly group here for you
Re: Am I lonely or just selfish

Posted by blue44 at Sat Sep 03, 2011 11:47 pm

Hi john, you are not selfish, we cant help how we feel at times,ive been with my husband for 29 years and he had a stroke last october and i find it really hard,and upsetting, im going through hell at the moment with our local council,we are living in 2 rooms he has an electric bed and i sleep on a mattress on the floor at the side of him he has been out of hospital for 7 weeks now at the moment he cant go out as they havnt built a ramp and we have 3 large steps up to our door.They said that is all they are going to do for us no other adaptions what so ever so he cant even have a shower or use a toilet he has to use a comode.only people in these situations know how it is you are doing a brillant job and never put your self down you should come on to the online chat room i found it really helped me good luck hope to talk to you soon.
Re: Am I lonely or just selfish

Posted by RoseB at Sun Sep 04, 2011 1:36 am

Hello John, you're neither of the above, just human. My thoughts of a way forward are - you could start by going onto Facebook just for a little lightheartedness, things to make you laugh; you could say search for old friends on something like Friends Reunited or whatever too; you could invite your friends to your house for a chin-wag and a couple o' beers (or such-like - perhaps alcohol not your thing - so just coffee or whatever). Also just make sure you get out of the house, down to the pub? I care for my husband and we have a dog (co-erced into getting one for our daughter a few years ago). Not the answer for everyone but animals bring quite a bit of joy and laughter to the proceedings - but maybe you've enough to do and wouldn't consider that though. I've found that getting out - for a jog, or a swim or just walking the dog. I've found that light exercise like that definately changes how you feel psychologically. One can get into a sort of rut. You have to think assertively for yourself (not too aggressively selfish, neither a complete door-mat - just straight down-the-middle-matter-of-factly being fair to yourself and to others and stick to it no matter what, just do what suits YOU. It's a great relief when people start to tell YOU, the Carer, that..YOU ARE IMPORTANT, darn it!! I do wish you all of the very best.
Re: Am I lonely or just selfish

Posted by jaye2080 at Sun Sep 04, 2011 2:14 pm

Hello John,

Well now, you're caring for 2 people, you've given up and lost so much to do so, so how on earth can you consider yourself to be selfish when all you want is a little 'me' time. You sound like a very unselfish man to me, so i guess that means you are feeling a bit lonely.

Have you had a carers assessment to look into your needs to continue caring as you do? If not i suggest you get
onto that right away, ask for some respite time so that you have a few hours each week to do the things that you want.

I also live in a very rural tiny village of less than 5oo people, and i've found that village life is what you make of it, you get out of it what you put in so to speak. Although most villages may seem sleepy little places, when you start to scratch the surface you might be surprised at what goes on.
There are usually local clubs for golf/angling/gardening/bell ringing/football/amateur dramatics etc. There is also the local parish council looking for volunteers and possibly a village newspaper. Non of which take up much time (and can often be done during school hours and from home) but they are an opportunity to socialise a bit. If these clubs do not already exist, and since entertainment is not 'on tap' needs must you create the tap.
Don't forget the local church, whatever religious views you hold. Even if you only turn up occaisionally this is where you get a foot in the door of the social life, it's where you find all the info and local gossip. There might only be half a dozen little old ladies in the congregation but what they won't know won't be worth the knowing. More importantly for your situation, those old ladies will undoubtedly belong to the local W.I. and it is possible that they might visit your wife at times giving you the opportunity for some valuable 'me' time.

Hope this helps a little, or at least gives you some food for thought as to how to deal with your situation.
All the best
Re: Am I lonely or just selfish

Posted by john101 at Mon Sep 05, 2011 1:13 am

Hi guys
First of all let me say how moved and humbled I am by the response to my post, there is a lot of people out there who have to put up with a lot more than i do, and to you all i send my best wishes.

I dont, as I may have come across in my post, have to be here 24/7 my partner although barely mobile does manage to get around the house, make a coffee etc. and I do get out and about I walk the dog, go fishing for an hour or so, I think that lack of interaction with other adults is where the problem lies. maybe i'm wrong but I miss the banter and conversations of every day news items etc. Not just what the kids want for a packed lunch or what are we having for dinner. maybe it's just me.

Anyway bless all you carers out there. I will be following you all on the site and wish you all the very best in life.

regards

JOHN
Re: Am I lonely or just selfish

Posted by suejane at Mon Sep 05, 2011 8:31 am

Hello John and i wish you the best. I also get very lonely sometimes, my son is very much into waht he wants and doesnt seem to notice us at all ! This is probably just some young men! Do you have skype? Perhaps this could be a way for you to talk to people,im thinking of it myself now.I live in a smart but very much people keeping to themselves sort of area and i do miss just chatting to my neighbours etc Social interaction is very important for Carers x
Re: Am I lonely or just selfish

Posted by ena1 at Mon Sep 05, 2011 1:16 pm

Carers can be just as isolated in a big city with nobody to talk to. I'd give anything to move out to the country.