The Strong Vulnerable

Vulnerability...its a double edged sword for me. I'm so strongly attracted to it when I see it in others. It's magnetic pull draws me in like a moth to the flame but the moment I see that vulnerability mirrored in myself I burn. It's hard separating the two. As always I seem to have one set of rules for myself and an opposing one for others.  When faced with someone who is vulnerable I am humbled. I don't see them as being weak, rather I see their strength in allowing others to see that side of them. They face the tortuous motions of uncertainty, some put out their hands and ask for help and time and again I see their lives are transformed once they admit to their vulnerability.  I imagine there must be an amazing sense of freedom which comes with expressing ones feelings. The closest I can allow myself to get to the holy grail of self expression right now and the nirvana I imagine which comes after is helping those who come to me with their issues. They come to me and lay themselves bare in the hope that I can teach them something, and those who have truly benefitted go away with gratitude for all they have learnt. But who's really learnt from whom? You're so calm. How do you do it? What's your secret? You cope so well. You handle everything so well.  Again I keep being pounded by these phrases and yet at the moment I am at my most vulnerable. Whereas before I felt hurt now I laugh inside. Cope? My secret? My secret is that I am a great actress. There are moments when I want to roll around on the floor and scream but I can't afford that luxury. I haven't cried in over a year for fear that if I start I won't stop. Yes I am human and I have moments when I feel vulnerable just like everyone else I just choose not to show.. I just wonder if by not showing I am making my life harder. I wonder if it is the same for other carers out there as it is for me? We bare the weight of the world on our shoulders. We must keep strong because if we falter what will happen to those whom we care for? Yes I am feeling vulnerable at the moment and that's probably the closest I can come to showing it for now. 

Comments

My God! How ever did I

My God! How ever did I stumble across this site and have the life changing opportunity to find you Suzette? Your blogs speak from my heart... you see the world through my eyes... you are real in every sense of the word. I applaud you for having the braveness in your heart to speak so raw of what we feel, of what we loathe of ourselves, and of what we hold joyous and precious and dearer than life itself. So articulate in your writing, so free in your expression, so refreshingly real. You have inspired me to share thoughts and feelings that I not dare expose to the world at large for fear of judgement, not only from others, but from myself. Thank you, thank you, thank you

Your blog sums up everything

Your blog sums up everything I have done and felt over the last 2 years since my dear husband was diagnosed with Young Onset Alzheimer's disease. Our lives have been shattered, what with the loss of earnings, constant battles with the Benefit system loss of savings by trying to survive financially, and now having to face the loss of our home. Through all of it I have somehow managed to keep going, people make the same comments to me about how brave I am, "you are always smiling, how do you cope", etc etc when inside I feel like I am slowly dying from grief. I am gradually losing my young, strong, intelligent husband to a truly dreadful disease and at the end of the day nobody really knows what I am going through, I feel have to be brave for my husband and children but sometimes I just wish that I could admit that I could do with someone to look after me! I feel dreadfully vulnerable and scared of the future without my husband but no one knows it, I think the hardest thing to accept when something like this happens to you is the fact that you feel alone in dealing with what you have to deal with. I will stay strong as long as I have to for my husband but I just wish that someone else could help shoulder the pain. I have so many problems at the moment but reading your blog has made me feel a bit better by the thought that I am not alone and there are other people like me trying to make the best of a bad situation because of their love for someone they care for.

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