by Suzette 15th May 2012
Vulnerability...its a double edged sword for me. I'm so strongly attracted to it when I see it in others. It's magnetic pull draws me in like a moth to the flame but the moment I see that vulnerability mirrored in myself I burn. It's hard separating the two. As always I seem to have one set of rules for myself and an opposing one for others. When faced with someone who is vulnerable I am humbled. I don't see them as being weak, rather I see their strength in allowing others to see that side of them. They face the tortuous motions of uncertainty, some put out their hands and ask for help and time and again I see their lives are transformed once they admit to their vulnerability. I imagine there must be an amazing sense of freedom which comes with expressing ones feelings. The closest I can allow myself to get to the holy grail of self expression right now and the nirvana I imagine which comes after is helping those who come to me with their issues. They come to me and lay themselves bare in the hope that I can teach them something, and those who have truly benefitted go away with gratitude for all they have learnt. But who's really learnt from whom? You're so calm. How do you do it? What's your secret? You cope so well. You handle everything so well. Again I keep being pounded by these phrases and yet at the moment I am at my most vulnerable. Whereas before I felt hurt now I laugh inside. Cope? My secret? My secret is that I am a great actress. There are moments when I want to roll around on the floor and scream but I can't afford that luxury. I haven't cried in over a year for fear that if I start I won't stop. Yes I am human and I have moments when I feel vulnerable just like everyone else I just choose not to show.. I just wonder if by not showing I am making my life harder. I wonder if it is the same for other carers out there as it is for me? We bare the weight of the world on our shoulders. We must keep strong because if we falter what will happen to those whom we care for? Yes I am feeling vulnerable at the moment and that's probably the closest I can come to showing it for now.