Sexual Relationships

Sexual relationships - from partner to patient

Long-term illness or disability may have a significant impact on even the healthiest of physical relationships. Once the initial feelings of shock subside, many couples find themselves going through a period of mourning, a time when they are coming to terms with changes in lifestyle, personal identity and all aspects of their relationship, not least sexual. It can feel like an emotional rollercoaster, with anger, guilt, sadness, loss, frustration and yearning all playing a part.

When couples are able to talk openly about these emotions, it can bring them closer together. But many find they are dealing with the myriad of distressing emotions alone and may find themselves feeling isolated and resentful. If this sounds familiar, visit Relate's website to find out how counselling might help you through this time.

Sexual relationships

When caring, all sorts of areas of life are affected in different ways. The one area that receives little, if any, attention is that of sexual relationships.

One of the most common questions carers have is whether or not it is safe to have sex with their partner, for example, if their partner has had a heart attack or stroke. Doctors and health visitors can often provide the answers. If you don't feel able to discuss such matters face-to-face, you could contact any of the websites listed below, or the website dealing with the specific condition relevant to your circumstances.

If your partner has received an injury that restricts mobility then finding a comfortable position may be a problem. Again, because this is dependent on each individual case, there is no one answer. However, there are a number of organisations that can provide a range of information on issues related to sexual relationships. Some are listed at the bottom of this page.

Another issue that carers can find difficult is the loss of their wider physical relationship. By this they often don't just mean sexual intercourse, they mean the physical contact that is part of an intimate relationship, the hugs and cuddles that make us feel wanted and attractive.

Again this is a loss and needs to be acknowledged as such. Recognise that your partner may be missing that comfort as well. If you can talk about it and share that loss you may be able to find new ways of expressing those intimate and meaningful gestures.

Even if you cannot talk to your partner about any of this you can talk to someone yourself. Counselling is available and it can help.

Changing roles

Some couples find that taking on the role of carer and the person cared for can feel a bit like becoming a parent and child. Finding ways to adapt to a new model of partnership will help you to ensure you fulfil your relationship. It's important that you are both able to maintain a sense of independence. To ensure you are taking advantage of all opportunities to develop your partnership, you could sit down together and create a list of possibilities, either things you'd like to continue doing or anything new you'd like to try.

Friends and lovers

For most couples, physical intimacy is a crucial part of the relationship. A common misconception is that the onset of illness or disability automatically means the end of any kind of sexual relationship. But this needn't be the case. Many couples enjoy finding new ways to be sensual together and regain physical intimacy. Assuming your GP has no medical objections, you can experiment with a range of sexual activities and positions that will suit you both.

Some couples have found that the increased creativity required in their sex life has actually made it better than ever before! There are a wide range of medical interventions available today to help with sexual problems, so do speak to your GP about potential options. And remember, even if you can't have sexual intercourse together anymore, you can still be sensual. Touch is an essential part of being human, so take every opportunity to get a little closer.

Sources of Help

Many couples find that working through their problems together brings them closer. Some are able to do this on their own, but many others choose to consider counselling. Relate has been offering relationship counselling and support for over 60 years. As well as offering face-to-face appointments, Relate has a number of options for individuals and couples who are unable to attend one of their centres.

Relate Line is the telephone help line that offers support and information on 0845 304010. It operates from 9.30am to 4.30pm, Monday to Friday and all calls are
charged at local rates.

Relate Direct is a service providing ongoing counselling and support via telephone appointment. Call 08451 304016 for more information.

Relate Online also offers a range of services for people with relationship issues, including an e-consulting service provides the opportunity to email the experts with a query about your relationship.

British Association of Sexual and Relationship Therapy provide a list of therapists and links to related organisations to help you find answers to your specific questions.

Sex Therapy Online offers advice and treatment for a range of sexual problems and links to other sites.

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